Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Shoiftim 2024

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Raboyseyee and Ladies,

Shoin, just like that, Choidesh Elul is here, and like professional football, we’re in the pre-season. Actually, mamish tonight, two teams take the field. According to some Chasidic rabbis, during the month of Elul, the King – the real one, the RBSO- is in the field meaning He’s available; feel free to talk Him down! The RBSO looks forward to Rosh Hashono, and Yom Kippur and expects you to be somewhat apologetic for your errant behavior this past year. He seemingly also knows you will mostly be repeat offenders but for reasons only He chaps, He’s good with the apology, even if half hearted.

Parshas Shoiftim, contains thirty-eight different mitzvis, of course, some say forty one-  and one of them is the appointment of a king over the Yiddin.  So happens that only in our parsha -and in a total of but seven pisukim (Devorim 17:14-20) is the institution of kingship discussed. Two pisukim -quoted mamish below- discuss the law, another five quoted further below provide details which include qualifications, limitations and further instructions on the appointed king. Let us read the pertinent laws. Says the heylige Toirah (Devorim 17: 14-15):

כִּֽי־תָבֹ֣א אֶל־הָאָ֗רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֨ר יְהֹוָ֤ אֱלֹהֶ֙יךָ֙ נֹתֵ֣ן לָ֔ךְ וִֽירִשְׁתָּ֖הּ וְיָשַׁ֣בְתָּה בָּ֑הּ וְאָמַרְתָּ֗ אָשִׂ֤ימָה עָלַי֙ מֶ֔לֶךְ כְּכׇל־הַגּוֹיִ֖ם אֲשֶׁ֥ר סְבִיבֹתָֽי׃

If, after you have entered the land that your G-d יהו has assigned to you, and taken possession of it and settled in it, you decide, “I will set a king over me, as do all the nations about me,”

שׂ֣וֹם תָּשִׂ֤ים עָלֶ֙יךָ֙ מֶ֔לֶךְ אֲשֶׁ֥ר יִבְחַ֛ר יְהֹוָ֥ אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ בּ֑וֹ מִקֶּ֣רֶב אַחֶ֗יךָ תָּשִׂ֤ים עָלֶ֙יךָ֙ מֶ֔לֶךְ לֹ֣א תוּכַ֗ל לָתֵ֤ת עָלֶ֙יךָ֙ אִ֣ישׁ נׇכְרִ֔י אֲשֶׁ֥ר לֹֽא־אָחִ֖יךָ הֽוּא׃

you shall be free to set a king over yourself, one chosen by your G-d יהו. Be sure to set as king over yourself one of your own people; you must not set a foreigner over you, one who is not your kin.

It appears that this mitzvah was to become valid and put into effect mamish upon entry into the promised land and taka so the posik so states bifeirush (explicitly). Ober, did the Yiddin follow orders? Not! Did they ever? Not very often! Instead, they seemingly waited about 400 years before waking up and demanding Shmuel Hanovee (Samuel the Prophet) to select a king over themselves. Surprisingly when they did, Shmuel (and the RBSO) got angry and almost refused! Read all the details in the heylige Novee (Shmuel 1:8:5). Nu, those of us who learned a shtikel Novee will zicher recall that Shmuel wasn’t very tzifridden (happy) with the Yiddin when they requested a king though the RBSO seemingly explicitly commanded them to do so. What’s pshat? The bottom line: Another 10 pages can be written on this topic ober let us read how Shmuel did his best to persuade the Yiddin otherwise.

וַיֹּ֣אמֶר שְׁמוּאֵ֔ל אֵ֖ת כׇּל־דִּבְרֵ֣י יְהֹוָ֑ אֶל־הָעָ֕ם הַשֹּׁאֲלִ֥ים מֵאִתּ֖וֹ מֶֽלֶךְ׃ {ס}

Samuel reported all the words of the LORD to the people, who were asking him for a king.

וַיֹּ֕אמֶר זֶ֗ה יִֽהְיֶה֙ מִשְׁפַּ֣ט הַמֶּ֔לֶךְ אֲשֶׁ֥ר יִמְלֹ֖ךְ עֲלֵיכֶ֑ם אֶת־בְּנֵיכֶ֣ם יִקָּ֗ח וְשָׂ֥ם לוֹ֙ בְּמֶרְכַּבְתּ֣וֹ וּבְפָרָשָׁ֔יו וְרָצ֖וּ לִפְנֵ֥י מֶרְכַּבְתּֽוֹ׃

He said, “This will be the practice of the king who will rule over you: He will take your sons and appoint them as his charioteers and horsemen, and they will serve as outrunners for his chariots.

וְלָשׂ֣וּם ל֔וֹ שָׂרֵ֥י אֲלָפִ֖ים וְשָׂרֵ֣י חֲמִשִּׁ֑ים וְלַחֲרֹ֤שׁ חֲרִישׁוֹ֙ וְלִקְצֹ֣ר קְצִיר֔וֹ וְלַעֲשׂ֥וֹת כְּלֵֽי־מִלְחַמְתּ֖וֹ וּכְלֵ֥י רִכְבּֽוֹ׃

He will appoint them as his chiefs of thousands and of fifties; or they will have to plow his fields, reap his harvest, and make his weapons and the equipment for his chariots.

וְאֶת־בְּנוֹתֵיכֶ֖ם יִקָּ֑ח לְרַקָּח֥וֹת וּלְטַבָּח֖וֹת וּלְאֹפֽוֹת׃

He will take your daughters as perfumers, cooks, and bakers.

וְאֶת־שְׂ֠דֽוֹתֵיכֶ֠ם וְאֶת־כַּרְמֵיכֶ֧ם וְזֵיתֵיכֶ֛ם הַטּוֹבִ֖ים יִקָּ֑ח וְנָתַ֖ן לַעֲבָדָֽיו׃

He will seize your choice fields, vineyards, and olive groves, and give them to his courtiers.

וְזַרְעֵיכֶ֥ם וְכַרְמֵיכֶ֖ם יַעְשֹׂ֑ר וְנָתַ֥ן לְסָרִיסָ֖יו וְלַעֲבָדָֽיו׃

He will take a tenth part of your grain and vintage and give it to his eunuchs and courtiers.

וְאֶת־עַבְדֵיכֶם֩ וְֽאֶת־שִׁפְח֨וֹתֵיכֶ֜ם וְאֶת־בַּחוּרֵיכֶ֧ם הַטּוֹבִ֛ים וְאֶת־חֲמוֹרֵיכֶ֖ם יִקָּ֑ח וְעָשָׂ֖ה לִמְלַאכְתּֽוֹ׃

He will take your male and female slaves, your choice young men, and your asses, and put them to work for him.

צֹאנְכֶ֖ם יַעְשֹׂ֑ר וְאַתֶּ֖ם תִּֽהְיוּ־ל֥וֹ לַעֲבָדִֽים׃

He will take a tenth part of your flocks, and you shall become his slaves.

וּזְעַקְתֶּם֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַה֔וּא מִלִּפְנֵ֣י מַלְכְּכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁ֥ר בְּחַרְתֶּ֖ם לָכֶ֑ם וְלֹא־יַעֲנֶ֧ה יְהֹוָ֛ אֶתְכֶ֖ם בַּיּ֥וֹם הַהֽוּא׃

The day will come when you cry out because of the king whom you yourselves have chosen; and the LORD will not answer you on that day.”

וַיְמָאֲנ֣וּ הָעָ֔ם לִשְׁמֹ֖עַ בְּק֣וֹל שְׁמוּאֵ֑ל וַיֹּאמְר֣וּ לֹּ֔א כִּ֥י אִם־מֶ֖לֶךְ יִֽהְיֶ֥ה עָלֵֽינוּ׃

But the people would not listen to Samuel’s warning. “Not! instead they dug in and said, “We must have a king over us.”

The bottom line: The Yiddin are a stiff-necked people. Of course, this shtikel history presented by the Novee in all its inglorious details begs many questions and among them are these:  Ershtens (firstly), why did the Yiddin wait so long? And why, when they did pick a king, did it anger the RBSO?  On the other hand, if choosing a king did so aggravate the RBSO, why did He command it? And here are a few more:  If the Yiddin managed on their own for the first 400 years in Israel, without a king, vus epes (why all of a sudden) was a king necessary at all? Finally, what does this mean to us now? And what happened to the kings? Why was kingship abolished? Are we supposed to have a king in our times? Don’t the Yiddin have a homeplace today and don’t half the Yiddin already live in Israel?

Grada these are excellent questions to which the heylige Ois doesn’t have any real answers to. So happens that over the previous fourteen years -again reminding my readers that we are in year fifteen, mamish amazing- we have on occasion mentioned the topic of kingship, ober without asking the above questions, and avada without the new information included this year.

One more question: Why, given their rocky relationship with the RBSO, would the Yiddin need or want a king? Ver veyst! Ober the RBSO who avada know all, tells us that such a day would come and when it does, He also provides guidelines and other rules for the kings’ selection, and his own behavior. Though it’s avada good to be the king, he too has rules and restrictions. Let’s read those: Says the heylige Toirah ” (Devarim 17:16-18), azoy:  “However, he must not acquire an abundance of horses for himself so that he will not return the people to Egypt in order to acquire an abundance of horses, and G-d has said to you. You shall no longer return on this route again.” And he shall not take many wives for himself, and his heart must not turn away, and he shall not acquire much silver and gold for himself. It will be, when he sits upon his royal throne, that he shall write for himself two copies of this Torah on a scroll from [that Torah which is] before the Levitic kohanim.

That being said, and though the RBSO laid out a few onerous restrictions, there were many applicants. Why? Because in the end, it’s avada good to be the king.

Let’s chazir: While the king may horse around -many, as you read the heylige Novee, certainly have- the king must not accumulate too many horses. As well, too many horses will drive the people back to Mitzrayim, and the RBSO has prohibited this return. Says the RambaM: we’re not allowed today to establish a permanent residence in Egypt, (seemingly even for tax purposes).

Says the heylige Gemora (Sukkah 51b) azoy: once upon a time…. that there was taka a very large Jewish community in Alexandria. This community was wiped out by the Roman emperor Trajan. And the reason for the devastation? Because the Yiddin violated the prohibition against dwelling in Mitzrayim. Shoin! Avoid this place! Ober taka why is Mitzrayim on the permanent bad-boy list? Aren’t there -sadly enough- a plethora of other countries that weren’t very hospitable to the Yiddin? Why was Mitzrayim singled out for this prohibition? Says the Ramban (Ramban al haToirah, Dev. 18:16) azoy: “Since the Egyptians and the Canaanites were exceedingly evil and sinful to the RBSO … the RBSO wished that Israel not learn from their deeds. He destroyed every soul of the Canaanites and said, ‘Do not allow them to live in your land.’(Shmois 23:33).  And he commanded regarding Egypt that we must not live in their land.” In Ramban’s view, the prohibition protects the people of Israel from the evil influence of the people of Egypt. That being said, business is avada business and when it comes to making money, all bets are off and says the RambaM: It is permissible to return to Egypt for business and commerce, and to [pass through to] conquer other lands. The bottom line: despite the raging war on several fronts, skip Egypt and visit or buy in Israel.

Ober did our Jewish kings follow the RBSO’s orders as laid out in our parsha? For the most famous of kings, the answer is mamish a hard no! Though the heylige Toirah does not provide a specific number how many wives is “too many,” the heylige Mishna (Sanhedrin 21:a-b) concludes that 18 is the magic number. Did that stop Shlomo Hamelech from running right through the stop sign? For King Solomon, with his combination of wives and concubines, totaling 1,000, the answer was taka a hard -if you chap- no.  And zicher when it came to Dovid Hamelech whose kingship is extolled and yearned for -even in our times- well, we know how hard the rules were for him. The good news: Dovid and Shlomo were among the good kings; others the Yiddin had, did far worse. Regarding one of the bad ones, the heylige Novee tells us this: Once the Northern Kingdom split away from the House of David, its king, Yerovom immediately revitalized the old calf cult and institutionalized a new system of idolatrous worship. Say it’s not so but the Novee (1 Malochim 17:22) tell us otherwise. His goal: to maintain control and keep the Yiddin from returning to Yirusholayim,

וַיֹּ֥אמֶר יָרׇבְעָ֖ם בְּלִבּ֑וֹ עַתָּ֛ה תָּשׁ֥וּב הַמַּמְלָכָ֖ה לְבֵ֥ית דָּוִֽד׃

Jeroboam said to himself, “Now the kingdom may well return to the House of David.

אִֽם־יַעֲלֶ֣ה ׀ הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֗ה לַעֲשׂ֨וֹת זְבָחִ֤ים בְּבֵית־יְהֹוָ בִּיר֣וּשָׁלַ֔͏ִם וְ֠שָׁ֠ב לֵ֣ב הָעָ֤ם הַזֶּה֙ אֶל־אֲדֹ֣נֵיהֶ֔ם אֶל־רְחַבְעָ֖ם מֶ֣לֶךְ יְהוּדָ֑ה וַהֲרָגֻ֕נִי וְשָׁ֖בוּ אֶל־רְחַבְעָ֥ם מֶלֶךְ־יְהוּדָֽה׃

If these people still go up to offer sacrifices at the House of G-D in Jerusalem, the heart of these people will turn back to their master, King Rehoboam of Judah; they will kill me and go back to King Rehoboam of Judah.”

וַיִּוָּעַ֣ץ הַמֶּ֔לֶךְ וַיַּ֕עַשׂ שְׁנֵ֖י עֶגְלֵ֣י זָהָ֑ב וַיֹּ֣אמֶר אֲלֵהֶ֗ם רַב־לָכֶם֙ מֵעֲל֣וֹת יְרוּשָׁלַ֔͏ִם הִנֵּ֤ה אֱלֹהֶ֙יךָ֙ יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל אֲשֶׁ֥ר הֶעֱל֖וּךָ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃

So the king took counsel and made two golden calves. He said to the people, “You have been going up to Jerusalem long enough. This is your god, O Israel, who brought you up from the land of Egypt!”

וַיָּ֥שֶׂם אֶת־הָאֶחָ֖ד בְּבֵֽית־אֵ֑ל וְאֶת־הָאֶחָ֖ד נָתַ֥ן בְּדָֽן׃

He set up one in Bethel and placed the other in Dan.

וַיְהִ֛י הַדָּבָ֥ר הַזֶּ֖ה לְחַטָּ֑את וַיֵּלְכ֥וּ הָעָ֛ם לִפְנֵ֥י הָאֶחָ֖ד עַד־דָּֽן׃

That proved to be a cause of guilt, for the people went to worship [the calf at Bethel and] the one at Dan. Oy vey!

And if king Yirovom was bad, let’s read a bit about king Menashe. Throughout the entire Sefer Milochim (kings) the period of King Menashe and his son Amon is singled out for particular ignominy and divine denunciation. During these years the country becomes awash with idolatry and an assortment of deviant religious worship, divination and magic. Oy vey again as this period was the religious low point of the First Temple era.  Among other high crimes and misdemeanors, “[Menashe] took the image of the goddess Asherah, which he had commanded to do, and set it in the [Temple’s] Sanctuary, in the place where HaShem had said to David and his son Solomon: “In this Temple in Jerusalem, the city that I have chosen from all the tribes of Israel, I have decided to dwell …

The bottom line: Though our favorite and beloved kings Solomon and David may have violated when it came to women -indeed they did- shoin, many have that weakness- they served the RBSO faithfully in many other ways and it appears that the RBSO gave them a pass for sexual indiscretions and infidelity. Not so when it comes to avoido zoro. The RBSO -as we have mentioned many times- is a jealous G-d with little tolerance for infidelity. And that raboyseyee is good news for many in these days leading up to the high holy days.

A gittin Shabbis-

The Heylige Oisvorfer Ruv

Yitz Grossman

 

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