Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Ki Saytzei 2024: Newlywed Perks

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Raboyseyee and Ladies,

Newlywed Perks:

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It so happens that Parshas Ki Saytzei (Ki Taytzei for the modernishe) which we will read this coming week, leads off with a mind-boggling discussion about when, and under what conditions, a Jewish soldier may come upon a hot beautiful shiksa. WARNING: You should not leave shul for the kiddish club or talk to your friends during laining this week lest you miss this most amazing law which might have you yearning to serve. The bottom line: Permission is given from the RBSO to a soldier in heat, one who feels the need to shoot his gun, if you chap, to grab a hot shiksa (she must be very appealing physically) and for that soldier to unload. One thing is certain: Absolutely no permission is given ever -under any circumstances- to chap from an ugly shiksa! What for? Fartig and case closed.

We have -over the years- covered this topic and will mistama touch upon it again in the future; readers mamish send in requests yearly for this topic to be reviewed. Feel free to check out the archives at www.Oisvorfer.com.

Nu, in advance of the upcoming parsha, the heylige Ois  picked up his Chumish and started a thorough review, ober during chazoro of Ki Saytzei which contains a whopping 74 new mitzvis, the following question was on his mind: How is it shayich (possible) for Sefer Devorim (Deuteronomy) -which is kimat universally known as Mishne Toirah, meaning a review of the previous four books- to be known as ‘a review,’ when in reality, Devorim teaches us over 100 new commandments of which 74, or greater than 10% are brand new and in this parsha? What’s pshat? Moreover, one fellow the Ois argued with years ago insists that Devorim contains over 200 new commandments and is adamant that he alone got Art Scroll to emend the 100 number they had published for years. Is it a review or is it new?

The bottom line: We need these parshas as they are chock full of critical information and commandments. Where would mankind be if we weren’t taught -as we are this week- about the case of the man married to two women but hates one of them? What to do?  And how would man -bazman hazeh (in our times)- survive were we not taught about the man married to but one wife that he mamish hates? Isn’t this a myseh b’chol yoim (daily occurrence)?

We must avada thank the RBSO who in the final days of Moishe’s life and in the final chapters of the gantze Toirah kula, sent down these new practical laws. How else would we know how to deal with a woman who, while attempting to save her husband who was under attack (from his own brother, mamish), grabbed the attacker by his beytzem (privates)? How would we know that according to some but zicher not all, we are to cut her hand off!? The heylige Toirah mamish discusses the case of a woman who chaps someone’s privates? In those words?  Indeed it does and you can find it in our parsha. And it’s taka the case, that despite her good intentions, she may lose a hand. Does she lose the hand that squeezed his beytzim (nuts) or the other hand? Ver veyst? And why should the husband whom she saved be deprived of her hand? It’s good to have hand!

Where else but in the RBSO’s heylige Toirah -and in our parsha, mamish- can one find discussions that range from uncontrollable lust, rape, prostitution, nighttime seminal emissions, cross dressing, attempted castration, and where a whore’s wages are not welcome?

The bottom line:  Avada you can find these in a shmutziga magazine that mistama many of you have seen over the years beginning in high school, say it’s not so. Ober we are talking Toirah, the RBSO’s Toirah: It’s all here. It’s taka a lot to swallow, if you chap, ober we can kler that the RBSO – as He always does- had a plan. Efsher He was klerring azoy: How will I get the Yiddin to focus and learn My heylige Toirah, especially now in September as we try holding onto summer? Especially now as our minds are elsewhere? Why would they want to read Ki Saytzei this week when many -post debate- are a shtikel worried about the upcoming elections, and still have their eyes glued to continuing coverage of the war raging in Israel? As well, how to cover 74 new mitzvis in one week?

Ober the RBSO is avada more than a genius and chapped that mankind are but humans; usually, less! He led off the parsha with the case of a young man on the battlefield and very surprisingly gave the soldier the absolute right to enjoy a hot beautiful shiksa- mamish, to have his way with her right there oifen platz (on the spot). He may mamish shoot his cocked gun. And He allowed this sexual act to take place though the soldier is married and even if he is a koihen. Well blow me down with a feather! Don’t koihanim have urges? Yes, they do! And He allowed the soldier to enjoy that captive shiksa even if she’s married to some goy. OMG!  Vus-geyt- du-fur (what’s happening here)? The bottom line: The RBSO avada knew that were He to lead with this shocking special permission, that people would want to delve further into the parsha, dig deeper, and know more. The RBSO avada knew that as a result of this special dispensation, a perk for the soldier -mamish a pick-me-up, if you chap- that Rashi, the heylige Gemora and so many others, would be pontificating and spilling much ink discussing this breaking Toirah news. Moreover, such a law would avada make one want to read the entire parsha to see what other perks and goodies the RBSO had in mind. And taka, following that opening topic, He loaded the parsha with over 70 additional interesting commandments, which, as mentioned above, include nocturnal emissions, rape, attempted castration, and much more. In the end, the plan worked: everyone loves Ki Saytzei, and as a result, Yehoshua (Joshua), General Pinchas, and leaders that followed, seemingly never had a problem getting people -to include those in yeshiva- to enlist.

Ki Saytzei will also teach us that not everyone could enlist; some were seemingly either disqualified or given a pass. We will learn that a newlywed need not serve as he has an obligation to be home with his eishes chayil and to gladden her, if you chap. Our parsha teaches us a new law, that of the ‘shono rishoina’ (first year of marriage) exemption. We are taught that a man has an obligation, during the first year of his marriage to gladden his wife. How does one gladden his wife, what’s pshat? And does the eishes chayil (wife) have similar obligations towards her husband? Must she go out of her way to similarly gladden him?

Seemingly not! At least not according to the Toirah ober thankfully, Moishe also came down with the oral tradition -the Toirah sheh-ba’al-peh- which proclaims and rules that avada and avada, the wife must gladden her man. And if not…he may divorce her. Why so many remain married despite gross violations of this rule, ver veyst? They are mamish violating ba’al peh, if you chap. Nu, efsher we can kler by darshening from similar topics, by using the concept of ‘simuchin,’ one that we explained in previous postings, that her not gladdening her husband, could lead to him hating her, be she the second or even the first wife. And what taka happens if he married two wives? Does he get a year off his military service for each?

Shoin, let us chazer (review) the topic. Says the heylige Toirah (Devorim 24:5) azoy: “When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married.” It does epes appear from the text that the man mamish has the obligation, a very specific duty to make his eishes chayil happy and avada we don’t mean with jewelry. It’s mashma (appears) that he must use his own jewels to deliver some happiness. After year one, it’s kula-alma-loi-plikgi (no one would argue) that most women would prefer real jewelry. Come year two and onward, her jewels, if you chap, may be off limits.

Speaking of withholding the goodies, mamish minutes after the Ois shared this week’s parshas post with his webmaster, he came across a news flash as printed in the NY Jewish Week just this morning; it’s mamish relevant and a gishmak read:

Around 1 a.m. Wednesday morning, Brooklyn-based activist Adina Sash received a phone call she had long awaited: Malky Berkowitz, 29, a fellow Orthodox woman, had finally received a “get,” or Jewish divorce contract.

For Sash, better known on Instagram as “Flatbush Girl,” the phone call also ended a six-month sex strike she had mounted on Berkowitz’s behalf. Jewish law affords men the power to withhold ritual divorce from their wives with no recourse, and Berkowitz’s estranged husband had refused to issue a get for four years.

So in protest, Sash rallied Jewish women to withhold sex from their husbands on Friday nights, known as “mitzvah night,” as well as following a period of ritual impurity during and after menstruation, known as niddah. The goal was to recruit men as well as women to pressure Berkowitz’s estranged husband to divorce her.

“The case needed a lot of public visibility in order to sort of shake it awake and make everyone aware,” Sash told the New York Jewish Week on Wednesday. “Definitely each woman, in her own way, took on the solidarity with Malky and until she was free, had made pledges to not have sexual relations Friday night, or just to completely strike.”

Shoin, let’s get back to the parsha.

Ober why was the newlywed taka exempted from war games? Let’s see what some had to say. Says the Sefer Hachinuch azoy: This exemption was given in order to accustom ones’ nature with hers, until all actions of other women (he may have enjoyed in the past), and anything involving them, will seem foreign to his nature. Did you read and chap that? Seemingly, men are chazerim, they have been around the block, or in the car, with other women before they got married and have vivid recall. The man comes with some experience and this mitzvah was given so that the man could stop thinking about previous experiences -especially so while gladdening his current wife- and focus and maybe even fall in love with her while he is gladdening her and she him. The obligation on the man is meant to solidify and harden, if you chap, the relationship between the husband and wife and for them to forget all lingering images from previous relationships that are conjured up. Mamish practical and real-life advice. Gishmak pshat.

Ober said the Chasam Soifer also so gishmak, azoy: “He may not go into the army because since his mind is on his new wife, he will not fight from his heart and soul for half his being is at home. How can he fight with half a being?” In other words, azoy: The exemption was given to better serve the army and not him. “Drafting a new groom into military service who concentrates more on his bride than on the critical tasks at hand, could result in a military catastrophe.” His gun could misfire, if you chap. The newlywed is supposed to remain focused on his little soldier whose job it is to penetrate behind enemy lines, if you chap.

And says the Netziv azoy: The ‘shono rishoina’ exemption is not a prohibition or an obligation, rather it’s an exemption from military service granted to the groom. The heylige Toirah allows a newlywed husband to remain home with his wife during the first year of marriage while the rest of the nation is at war.

Shoin, since we’re talking about gladdening and obligations and since we mentioned that -apparently- women do not have such obligations- at least none mentioned specifically in the heylige Toirah- let’s close with a logical follow up topic. What taka happens when a woman won’t gladden her man? Nu, sadly some will resort to their local service provider, if you chap and visit with a zoina (a whore). The heylige Toirah chapped that possibility and was worried. Not about the man chapping but what the zoina might do with her wages and tips. Let’s close with this amazing posik.

Says the heylige Toirah (Devorim 23:9) azoy: “You shall not bring a prostitute’s fee or the price of a dog to the House of the Lord, your G-d for any vow, because both of them are an abomination to the Lord, your G-d.” Ober vus-meynt-dus (what the hec does that mean)? Why is the heylige Toirah talking about dogs and prostitutes in the same sentence? Nu, let’s learn pshat in these words.

Seemingly there is a prohibition against ‘esnan zoinah’ meaning azoy. An animal used as payment for prostitution services may not be used for a korban (sacrifice). Efsher you’re klerring azoy: Which sick and demented vilde chaya zoina would have the temerity (chutzpah) to consider bringing this dog as a korban? By remaining silent about the hapless individual visiting with the zoina, it’s epes mashma (appears) that the heylige Toirah wasn’t too concerned about his behavior. And paying for such service is seemingly also not too giferlich. What is giferlich is how she uses her payments and that is the subject of the Toirah’s command. Ober, isn’t it quite poshit and clearly understood that using a whores’ wages as a korban could upset the RBSO? And isn’t it quite poshit that the uses of harlots’ wages as a korban renders the animal unfit to be considered for a korban? And who brings a dog as a korban anyway? Says the Rambam (Moireh Nivuchim 3:48) azoy: Using such an animal for sacrificial worship could result in an irreverent attitude towards the sanctity of the rituals: No kidding! And says the Chinuch (57:1): The use of this animal undermines the very purpose behind korbonis. Sacrifices are meant to bring one to spiritual purification; the association of this animal to prostitution threatens to contaminate the penitent’s mind and heart just as he seeks to purge them of impurities.

And says the RambaN azoy: Recognizing the ungodly nature of their work, prostitutes would regularly allocate some of their profits for sacrificial use in an attempt to atone for their wrongdoing. The heylige Toirah therefore forbids designating the payment for use as a korban as a means of further discouraging harlotry. In other words: When visiting the local zoina, only cash should be used. Cash seems to be fungible and can be used to buy a korban. Ober b’shas hadchak (in an emergency), when one had in mind to get a massage only, but something happened along the way and the massage somehow evolved into more, a happy ending, if you chap, a credit card is also ok if the person didn’t have enough cash on his person.

Shoin, lest you think that war was a free-for all, where soldiers had free reign to do as they pleased, and so it taka appears, to perokim (chapters later), in the parsha we read this posik (23:10)

כִּֽי־תֵצֵ֥א מַחֲנֶ֖ה עַל־אֹיְבֶ֑יךָ וְנִ֨שְׁמַרְתָּ֔ מִכֹּ֖ל דָּבָ֥ר רָֽע׃

When you [men] go out as a troop against your enemies, be on your guard against anything untoward.

Moishe is warning those going out to battle to be on their best behavior, to be on guard against doing bad stuff. Pshat being that if they want the RBSO to watch over them, they need to avoid bad behavior. Ober what bad behavior was he referring to? Says Rashi, “because Satan indicts [people] in the hour of danger.” In other words, the Satan is lurking and ready to pounce. And let us close with this givaldige shtikel Ramban who mamish understood the nature of man, especially man on the battlefield. He says this and we quote parts verbatim:

“The correct interpretation regarding this commandment appears to me that Scripture is warning of a time when sin is rampant. The well-known custom of forces going to war is that they eat all abominable things, rob and plunder, and are not ashamed even of lewdness and all vileness. The fairest of man by nature comes to be possessed of cruelty and fury when the army advances against the enemy.” There’s more to the Ramban’s elucidation, ober you get the point. Therefore, Scripture warned, then thou shalt keep thee from every evil. And by way of the simple meaning of Scripture this is an admonition against doing anything forbidden.

The bottom line: when fighting for your life, it’s best to be on your best behavior. Something to think about as the high holy days approach.

A gittin Shabbis-

The Oisvorfer Ruv

Yitz Grossman

 

 

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