Raboyseyee and Ladies,
Pesach & Easter:
Every year as Pesach rolls around, so does Easter, a Yom tov celebrated by the umois ho’oilom (the goyim), specifically the Christians, Catholics and others that follow Jesus. The frequent overlapping of our Pesach and their Easter week merits a few words. Growing up orthodox from birth or, maybe even from conception, ver veyst, we were taught precious little about Jesus. In fact, we weren’t even allowed to utter his name, instead having to refer to him by various nicknames. And if we did dare, many mothers took out their holtzene lefels (wooden spoons) specifically set aside from the free unsolicited bidikas-chometz-kits received from various yeshivas seeking a solicitation, and reminded us that we are never to call him by his real name. Can you imagine? Shoin, after a few good chamalyas (beatings) from the lefel, Jesus was thereafter always referred to as yoshko, whatever that meant back then.
Ober, why taka would our mothers and others get so upset over the name Jesus? So happens that Yoshke is a Yiddish nickname that many with the name Yehoshua were called. Oib azoy, if that’s the way it was, Yoshke could be referring to either your neighbor or Jesus depending on the context. On the other hand, some argue that this is not quite correct and those named Yehoshua were never called Yoshke. Yoshke was in fact a diminutive of Yosef. And to further confuse you, it’s not clear if the heylige Gemora is talking about Jesus when it discusses Yeshu as it refers to several of them, and it’s not entirely clear if it’s the same person. One thing is zicher: Jesus was Jewish. On the other hand, some say the name Yoshke (as mentioned, a diminutive of Yosef) is short for the phrase Yoshke Pandre. Jesus’s non-biological father was named Yosef (Joseph). The heylige Gemora makes the claim that Jesus’s biological father was a Roman soldier named Pandera (calling him ישו בן פנדירא; in the original Latin this name was Pantera). And if that’s emes, the phrase Yoshke Pandre (the latter a slight Yiddish corruption of Pandera) is meant to make fun of Jesus’s birth circumstances as portrayed in the Gemora.
The bottom line: From the letter of the law, it is permitted to recite the name Jesus or Yeshu. It is likewise permitted to write these names, as we find leading rabbis, wrote these names in their holy seforim. Nevertheless, despite the letter of the law, the minhag yisroel (custom amongst the Yiddin) dating back many generations, is to avoid saying these names, instead referring to Jesus as “Oisoy-Ish” (that person)‚ or Yoshka, or Yoshke Pandre. And now you know.
Nu, it so happens that our lives, the lives of the Yiddin, and those of our fellow Christian brethren are intertwined, mamish. Though we believe only in the RBSO, and they in Jesus as their savior, we do have something in common. Many of us make travel arrangements for Pesach and many of them do the same for Easter week which in most years, fall at about the same time. This mixing has a yearly deleterious impact on our pocket books. Goyim and Yiddin are both vying for the same seats. First on the plane and then poolside where again we have to go out of pocket to schemer (bribe) the pool help to reserve our seats just in case we decide to sit out near the pool on Yom tov. Es farshteytzich (it’s clearly understood) that Yiddin can’t just sit anywhere though the sun is kimat everywhere. Yiddin need to survey the pool area and then decide specifically where they want to sit. Once the monumental decision is made, they of course want to sit in the very same spot everyday of their vacation because chas v’sholom (heaven forbid) should they not, all sorts of giferliche calamities might befall them. Nu, what would be so giferlich if daily they sat in different poolside locations? Ver veyst! One thing is zicher: If the husband, or man of the house, doesn’t successfully secure the desired lounges for the eishes chayil, it’s uch and vey to him. He’s a good for nothing, and tan or no tan, and no matter how good he looks, one thing is zicher – he will chap that day, that night and every day. Abuse that is! Shoin.
As well, it’s also a minhag yisroel (custom) going back decades that once a Yid puts down his/her towel on a particular lounge, he/she was koinah (acquired) that lounge and entire area for the entire vacation. How was he koina? Through a kinyan not too dissimilar from the kinyan he made when selling his chometz to his local rabbi/chometz agent. There he picked up the hanky, here he puts down the towel. Shoin, fartig! Who can argue with a minhag yisroel? And who can argue with the power of a kinyan? Es far-shtayt-zich as well that if one can transact multimillion dollar deals by lifting a handkerchief, al achas kaka v’kama (it is even more plainly understood), that one can reserve, and even own a lounge chair by draping it with a towel which is 100 times the size of a handkerchief! Also thicker! Case closed!
The bottom line: Every year as the Ois is trying to chap some bargain airfare to his Pesach destination, along come the goyim who insist on traveling to all the same spots and drive up the fares. Shoin! Because goyim habitually book their travel many months in advance and because Yiddin either cannot make up their minds about going away, or, are waiting for a sponsor, or, are still hondeling for the best price with at least two different Pesach programs, and generally don’t make up their minds until mamish weeks and sometimes days before the Yom Tov begins, it’s the Yiddin being forced to pay the higher fares. Antisemittin mamish! In the end, the Yiddin are forced to do something which grizzshes them (turns their stomachs) the entire Yom Tov: They pay nebech full fare! Yikes, it hurts so badly and it’s mamish a broch. The bottom line: Yoshko and his followers are still exacting revenge and inflicting pain on the Yiddin; they have long memories.
Wait, I’m not done yet. Also yearly as Easter and Pesach approach, old TV shows and movies are shown about his life and ultimate demise. According to the great Achroin, Wikipedia, at least 30 movies about this nice Jewish boy were already produced and kimat every few years a new book is published. Movies about him continue to fascinate. Back in 2015, ten years back and mamish a few weeks before Pesach, Bill O’Reilly, he formerly with the Fox News Channel and grada a big oihave yisroel (supporter of the Yiddin), produced and released a new movie titled ‘Killing Jesus.’ In his promotional materials, he promised to tell the truth about how Jesus died, but did he? And while many theories abound about his ultimate demise, most have the Yiddin killing him or at least somewhat involved. We continue to pay the price for these rumors. Ober could this mamish be the emes?
Grada, many people assume that his Last Supper was taka a Seder, the ritual meal held in celebration of the Pesach. And taka according to Gospel (Mark 14:12), Jesus prepared for the Last Supper on the “first day of Unleavened Bread, when they sacrificed the Passover lamb.” Shoin, let’s play it out Gemora style. To do this correctly and if you attended yeshiva, avada you would know that you need start by having your thumb on either hand pointed downward. As you move your hand from left to right and from down to an upward position, the thumb will move its way upward thereby helping you to chap this logic. Here we go: If he and his disciple’s taka gathered together to eat soon after the korban Pesach was sacrificed, what else could they possibly have eaten if not the Pesach meal? And if they ate the korban Pesach, they must have held a Seder. Shoin, case closed. Seemingly he was taka alive and well as Pesach began and all seem to agree that he was dead soon thereafter. Fartig! What taka happened? Who killed him and when? Moreover, three out of four of the goyim’s best sources for such information (canonical Gospels) all agree that the Last Supper was held only after the Jewish holiday of Pesach had begun. And even more, one source lists no fewer than 14 distinct parallels between the Last Supper tradition and the Passover Seder. Yikes and veyter.
The heylige Ois has some unpleasant news to share. In 2026, Pesach will begin on the evening of April 1st and conclude on the evening of April 9th. Easter Sunday will be marked on April 5th. Book now!
Shoin! As in Pesach’s past, once again, the buffet was mamish overpowering. Many, the heylige Ois included, came home, daringly stepped onto our scales hoping for a decent result only to find that our chazerish non-stop binge eating over the eight-day Yom Tov caught up with us; oy vey. Of course it did! And because Pesach was preceded by Shabbis and those away had a few extra days and meals of nonstop eating -efsher to prep our bodies properly- we were doomed from the get-go, mamish upon arrival to our myriad destinations where Pesach is observed these days. Givald! Are you suddenly surprised that it’s you instead of your portfolio that is making new highs? Did you think -even for one minute- that you would eat like a chazir four plus meals daily, interrupted only by the tea room, the bathroom, sleep and shul, that the calories would somehow melt away and disappear while you were either driving or flying back home? A nechtiger tug and fuhgeddaboudit! It’s time to pay up by fasting, jumping on the treadmill or anything else that will help burn a few calories, if you chap. Though we made all sorts of promises, mostly to ourselves, to control our food intake over this very long Yom Tov, most of us failed miserably. Why? Because when it comes to chapping -even food- most lose control. We are chazerim, period end discussion! The smorgasbord, like your yetzer horo for other forbidden zachen, if you chap, is ever so powerful. Rarely is he beaten. And as the Ois has told you over and again, many good people have successfully walked away from business deals, even good ones, also from relationships – mostly not such good ones- ober no man and few women have ever walked away -for the entire Pesach- from a good shmorg or buffet. The battle of the buffet, like the shul kiddish, or at the shmorg at most weddings, remains a losing proposition.
For those who enjoyed the special Yom Tov at any of the myriad hotels around the country and the world mamish, or in Orlando where many thousands of families share 8-15 bedroom rental houses, and where children as young as 5 are seen driving golf carts on the streets- mamish shreklich- we must ask ourselves a fifth question: How is it that when we’re home all year, we get by on one and sometimes two meals per day -hec, many even skip a meal here and there and can go for hours without eating- ober, but as soon as we check into a hotel, or rental property, we develop these insatiable appetites and feel that it’s our duty to eat at least three full meals supplemented by a kiddish, tea room, snacks and other foods we’ve schlepped along or removed from the dining room to the our rooms? What’s pshat here? Are we behaymis or chayis (both mentioned in this week’s parsha)? Are we mamish out of control? Seemingly, we are.
Have you ever gone into a steak house where you typically pay at least $50-75 for a main dish and ordered two? Zicher nisht! Why is it that when we check into hotels that we feel obligated to order a second and efsher maybe also a third? Are we out sick? Could this be the reason that the RBSO declared the chazir (pig), in this week’s heylige Parsha, to be non-kosher? Are we mamish pigs? Ver veyst!
The bottom line: It’s time to jump onto our scales and say dayanu: Enough. Did you not promise yourself and or your significant other that you would control yourself? You did! Ober, did you eat like a chazir anyway? You did!
It’s also time, after a two-week lapse, to return to the regular reading of the heylige parsha, and this week we will review portions of Parshas Shimini wherein the RBSO created the biggest industry yet for the Yiddin; food!
This week, the RBSO introduces the Yiddin to the world and industry of kosher, to what we call dietary laws. From mamish but a total of 33 pisukim (verses) in the heylige Toirah, hundreds of thousands of jobs have been created and many successful businesses spawned. They include, kosher and glatt kosher provisions, mashgichim (kosher supervisors), organizations that certify products as kosher, manufacturers, wholesalers, distributors, retailers, food establishments, caterers, truckers, and much more. Is the RBSO great or what? Indeed, it all starts right here in our parsha. If you thought that Sefer Vayikra was all about korbonis, you were wrong; a nechtiger tug. It’s about a stimulus plan. Ober that all comes at the very end of the parsha, what happened before that? We shall cover that a bit later.
As the parsha opens, it’s the eighth day. The eighth day of what, avada you must be wondering and the answer is that it was Roish Choidesh Nissan in the year 2449, the day the Tabernacle was to be anointed. The seven-day inauguration of Aharoin and his sons was completed and the ceremonies for the Mizbeyach’s consecration had begun. Over 40 korbonois (offerings) would be brought on that first day. Moishe Rabaynu, the fearless leader of the Yiddin zicher thought he was to be the master of ceremonies, ober the RBSO had other plans. We’ll learn that the RBSO has a long memory and it’s avada not good to anger Him. Let that be a lesson to many of you that already stopped counting sefira with a brocho, that were searching for chometz ad sheyodi maseges (as far as the hand reaches) in the wrong places, if you chap, that skipped shul over Yom Tov thinking that you’re on vacation, that chas v’sholom walked by the TV in the hotel lobby and chapped a few minutes of the games on Yom Tov, that went mixed swimming and had machshovis zorois (strange thoughts) looking at other veyber, that brushed up too closely, beshoigeg of course (accidentally) to married women while chapping food at the buffet breakfasts and lunches that most hotels serve, that went into the dining room in their bathing suits thinking that the RBSO wasn’t watching, and that did other avayris -yada yada- mamish too despicable to even mention here.
Welcome to Parshas Shimini (meaning eighth) where Moishe is unceremoniously fired and Aharoin his eltere brider (older brother) is installed. The emes is that it was the culmination of the preceding seven days, which Moishe spent in preparation for the official inauguration. They say when the heylige Toirah uses the word ‘Vayihi’ (and it was), it’s always a shtikel ominous sign, and our parsha which begins with the words Vayihi bayoim hashmini (and it was on the eighth day) is no different. And what was Moishe’s grave sin? Nu, it goes all the way back to Parshas Shmois in the myseh (incident) where the RBSO asked Moishe to go take the Yiddin out of Mitzrayim. Said Moishe to the RBSO (Shmois 4:13): “No! Send whomever you will send.” Is that the way to talk to the RBSO? Did Moishe think he was talking to his eishes chayil at the time? Nu, the RBSO took note of this shtikel incident and said to Himself that one day…..He’ll remember this. Avada, now many can chap why many meforshim state that the RBSO has male and female characteristics: remembering every detail of everyone’s chatoim (sins) is zicher a character trait the RBSO gave to women. In fact, the Ois’s own eishes chayil can -in any disagreement we have- and nebech does, instantly recall anything and everything the heylige Ois did wrong in the past 37 years. Gevald! Anyway, we are taught that during the past seven days (going back to Parshas Tzav which nebech you already forgot) Moishe was acting as the Koihen Godol (High Priest) and es- far- shtaytzich (stands to follow and reason) that Moishe assumed that he would continue in that role. Ober said the RBSO in the first few pisukim of Shemini: “Aharoin and his sons will be the ones to serve as Kohanim. You will remain outside; you have no portion in the Kihuna.” Shoin: Moishe was fired and Aharoin and his kinderlach hired. Unfortunately for Aharoin, this happiest of days was also to be his saddest as two of his four children were killed that very same day. Seemingly Aharoin’s past also came back to haunt him. And as you can see, the RBSO does not forget. Raboyseyee: let’s keep that in mind.
Later in the Parsha, the RBSO commands Moishe to speak to Yiddin (Jews) and tell them that ‘this is the Chaya (animal) that you may eat.’ Rashi, and who knew more or better, tells us that Moishe gave a live demonstration holding each permitted and forbidden animal saying this you may eat, and this you may not eat. He did the same with the fish, the birds and with the creepy crawly creatures. Can you image all that? Where he found fish in the midbar, ver veyst? How he summoned all kosher and non-kosher animals to the live demo, ver veyst? Then again, if Noiach the goy but whom the RBSO liked as a person was able to accomplish this feat, summoning either seven of each or two of each into his teyvo (ark), should we question Moishe’s abilities? Moreover, if we can believe in kriyas Yam Suf (sea splitting) and all other miracles the Yiddin of that generation were eye witnesses to and avada we do, is this so hard to imagine? Only a tipish (fool) doesn’t believe.
Says the Medrish Tanchuma that one should not be misled into thinking that the RBSO, through these eating restrictions, prohibited the joys of life. Grada (so happens), for every forbidden item, we may partake in an equivalent item from which to partake. We have similar restrictions in human relationships but with fewer choices and alternatives, if you chap. Shoin. Sadly no examples are provided. Says the Medrish that although pork is prohibited, there is a certain fish called Shibuta that has the same taste. How the Medrish knew this without tasting pork, ver veyst? The medrish provides numerous examples of permitted alternatives and concludes that the RBSO gave us restrictions on non-kosher foods in order that the Yiddin be rewarded for keeping his mitzvis. Givaldig!
A gittin Shabbis!
The Heylige Oisvorfer Ruv
Yitz Grossman
