Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Hoishana Rabba – Shmini Atzeres 2015: The Great Hoishana Bang

hr2Raboyseyee and Ladies:

The Great Hoishana Bang

We’re in the home stretch of Yomim Toivim (Holidays) and by the time we return to our regular schedules this coming Wednesday (Tuesday for those living and most  spending Succois in Israel), many of you will have, during the holy month of Tishray, which contains four Jewish holidays, consumed an overabundance of challah, kugil, herring, scotch, kichel and dessert.  Many of you are already wearing your fat suits, spanx and anything else in a desperate attempt to look epes a shtikel thinner than you really are.   Many of you are contemplating rigorous exercise regimens immediately after Yom Tov, some are considering gym membership or renewal. Most of you won’t follow up.  Why? Because Yiddin love challah, kugil and desert. Shoin, it’s a losing battle, azoy is iz (that’s just how it is).  Ober before we get to enjoy the next four to six meals and enjoy the Yom Tov known as Shmini Atzeres, a holiday not found anywhere in the heylige Toirah, the very one we argue over yearly with our closest friends, we must first get through Hoishana Rabba.  Shoin, in the pages below, we will take yet another look into Shmini Atzeres and lay out the positions. Is it part of Sukkis or not?  Ober before we do, we need also to struggle through Simchas Toirah, a day we rejoice with the heylige Toirah and celebrate the completion of yet another cycle of Toirah reading.

What is a Hoishana Rabba and how do we mark this day?  Nu, lommer chazerin (let’s review) a few victhiger (important) highlights of this day which at first  glance seems to have epes more in common with sado-masochistic acts that many of you either read about or experienced chas v’sholom (heaven forbid).

If you thought your fate was sealed on Yom Kippur and that since you’re still alive and kicking, the RBSO must have given you a pass (once again) despite your errant ways, wake up, smell the coffee and welcome to Hoishana Rabba, efsher a day as critical as Yom Kippur itself. The RBSO might or might not make a last minute change to your status and klapping (banging) may just play a role. Avada we all chap that it was banging that may have caused you to be in this pickle altogether, ober it epes appears that the RBSO will allow us to use a different sort of klapping to efsher escape a potentially harsh sentence. Ober vi-azoy (just how)?  We are taught that  Hoishana Rabba is  the last chance we have to somehow appease the RBSO. Though not mentioned in the heylige Toirah by name, it appears that many generations back, some rabbis decided that we needed one last day and one last opportunity to ask the RBSO for forgiveness before sentences decreed on Yom Kippur would be executed. In other words: our good rabbis got us an extension, and  we have one last chance to have the RBSO tear up the decree. And after klapping (beating and banging) your chests kimat  (nearly) 500 times on Yom Kippur, on this day, you get to bang one more time, if you chap. Can banging an innocent Hoishana (willow) save your life?  Lommer lernin epes (learn something) about this special day we call Hoishana Rabba.

Rabbi Menahem Furman and his followers hold willows as they pray for rain and mercy during the last day of the Jewish festival of Sukkot at the Western Wall in the old city of Jerusalem October 9, 2009. AFP PHOTO/MENAHEM KAHANA (Photo credit should read MENAHEM KAHANA/AFP/Getty Images)

On Hoishana Rabba, we are commanded to grab five tightly wound willows and perform some sadistic act, one that many of my early Rebbes practiced all year with wood, sometimes their own, if you chap. On this day we pay but $5-10 dollars for this thrill, during the year this thrill can run $150 for a 30 minute session.

First the facts:

1-Hoishana Rabbah is the seventh and last day of Sukkis. Is that emes? Not according to all, and soon, space permitting, we’ll check in on this machloikes (argument).

2- There is no mention of this day in the heylige Toirah.

3- Hoishana Rabbah is known as the day of the final sealing of judgment which began on Rosh Hashannah:  Hoishanna Rabbah is somewhat similar to Yom Kippur.

4 – Hoishana Rabbah is one of the most interesting and lofty days of the year. On one hand it is a regular weekday, part of  chol hamoed (intermediate days)  of Sukkis. On the other hand it’s a Holiday unto itself.

5- It has its source in the traditions of the prophets.

Where did it come from, who invented it and decided to add it to our calendar?  Says the heylige  Mishnah (Sukkah 4:5):  the custom, way back in the days of the Beis Hamikdash (Temple),  was to circle the Mizbayach with large willow branches, one time on each day of Sukkis and seven times on the seventh day. So too we circle the Bimah reciting Hoishanis once daily during each day of Sukkos and seven Hoishanos on the Seventh day. It’s mashma (appears then) that Hoishana Rabba is aptly named because more hoishanis (Hosannas) are recited on this day than all the previous days of the holiday. Shoin. On this day, instead of one clumsy attempt at circling the bimah, while holding our lulavim and esrogim in one hand and juggling awkwardly the siddur in the other, we do this seven times.

bundleThe highlight of the morning is the klapping (banging) of the Hoishanis, a custom that even the veyber and kinderlach (women and children) perform; seemingly a good hoishana bang is enjoyed by all, if you chap.

Exactly how this custom of Hoishana banging, of  beating silly and into submission the innocent hoisanhis for which we just paid between $5 and 10, seemingly atones for our sins, ver veyst.   And to no one’s surprise, there are at least four opinions on specifically when one should klap (bang) his/her Hoishana.  Seemingly, when it comes to Hoishana klapping, as is mistama the case with other klapping, if you chap, timing is a most critical issue.

Some bang immediately before the final Kaddish, some in the middle of Kaddish before Tiskabel, and some after the end of Kaddish, which was the Minhag of the Arizal and is quoted by the Baer Haitiv. Those who want special consideration, begin the banging the night before, if you chap. Oisvorfs klapp away whenever the opportunity presents.

How much banging is in order? Nu, again this depends on who you ask but here the most popular:  Some say that one is to bang two or three times, on the floor or on vessels. Not bad for $5, if you chap. Says the Arizal: we are to bang specifically on the floor five times. This signifies that we are ‘burying’ the judgment. And, says the Ben Ish Chai:  the banging surface must be specifically unpaved, virgin earth. Seemingly virgin earth is better, if you chap. Not all agree, and there appears to be some advantage to banging on vessels for they cause the leaves to fall off, which symbolizes shredding of the disastrous decrees.  Says the Pri Migodim and the Mishna Berura: banging should follow the Arizal’s recommendation: one should bang to  the floor and to continue  banging  on vessels until some of the leaves fall off. Too much banging is avada not recommended and, says the Chaya Odom: continuous banging until all the leaves fall off is childish gleeful play.

Having vented our frustrations on the poor willows and having performed what appears to be an ancient sadomasochistic act with hoishanis now behind us, we feel mamish givaldig, relieved and ready to spend the greater part of the day watching football.  And in a last strange custom the Oisvorfer never chapped, instead of discarding the Hoishanis as we do with other things we just klapped, we throw the beaten Arovois (5 willows tied together) on top of the Oron Koidesh which houses the heylige Toira(s). Does all this make sense? Ver veyst? Veyter…

And as Hoishana Rabba comes to an end, the yom tov of Shimi Atzeres begins, and because many of you already forgot what the Oisvorfer wrote last year about these last two days of the extended Succos holiday, here then is a shtikel chazora (review) from previous postings on Shimini Atzeres / Simchas Toirah.  The Oisvorfer repeating his Toirah?  Why not?  Tonight, as many of you Oisviorfs should know is Mishneh Toirah, the night we repeat the entire Sefer Devorim (Deuteronomy,) and if you skipped shul one or more shabbosim, nebech, tonight is your opportunity to make up the laining, chap arayn and participate in this great minhag (custom).

Shoin: it’s almost time to dance the hakofis while of course being most careful not to hold hands with anyone you can’t stand. And as we approach the Yom Tov of Shmini Atzeres (SA), mir darfin tzu gidenkin (it’s important to remember) that we have a minhag avoisaynu beyodanu (a custom passed down thru the generations) to discuss, argue, and even fight about one particular topic: is Shmini Atzeres the 8th day of Sukkis or is it a standalone holiday? Does shmini mean eight as its name seems to imply? If yes, maybe it’s not Sukkis! Shoin, fartig ge-endicked de mayseh (period, end of story). Moreover, we  all know that Sukkis is but seven days. Or, can we klerr (posit) that even though it’s taka the 8th day, it’s still somehow Sukkis and we must follow the Sukkis rules. Le’my nafka mino (what’s the difference?)   Either way, it’s Yom Tov, either way we’re back in Shul.  And either way, just in case you’re still hungry or haven’t gained enough weight in the first days, we get to enjoy two more days of challah, kugil and of course for those who enjoy the l’echaim, plenty of scotch and other fine spirits: Gevald (OMG)!!


Here in golus (the Diaspora) we begin the Yom Tov with Shmini Atzeres and of course we argue and discuss with each other as to what it is. Is it a separate holiday or is it Sukkis? Do we eat in the Sukkah or indoors? As expected, the Chag Somayach and the Sukkis Dovid Hanoifeles (both mythical figures) exploded over this issue in a famous machloikes (discussion where people argue loudly and with emotion.) The Chag Somayach  stated emphatically that of course it’s Sukkis, while the Sukkis Dovid Hanoifeles says farkert (opposite.)   Do we accept invitations if our minhag (custom) is to eat outdoors but your host holds farkert? The Goan states that if a person whose minhag it is to eat in the house invites a family for a meal whose minhag is eat in the sukkah and causes chas v’sholom (heaven forbid) that person to be nichshol (violate the law)-  well- that person deserves malkus (lashes) – perhaps with the hoishanis. Some say that he has to immediately present himself at a club specializing in this technique, if you chap. Others say, that he can, b’shas hadchak (if the club is closed,) allow his 5th grade yeshiva Rebbe, or in case of an emergency, even his Pirchei or NCSY leader to administer them. Is it or isn’t it Sukkis?


What’s the maskona (conclusion?)  Where do we eat our meals both on Sunday evening and all day Monday?  And every year, though it’s been hashed out hundreds of times and over thousands of years, the same people ask the same questions and argue their position as if they’ve discovered some new concept in halocho. These last two days  are mired in controversy; a subject the Oisvorfer knows only too well, nebech.  This is the Yom Tov where everything we do seems to be the subject of much debate and varying customs. On Simchas Toirah we duchin during shachris, we do a criss-cross hagba, we make Kiddush before musiff, we make another following and a few in between. On this day we say thank you to those roped into being honored with sponsoring the shul kiddish; we call them chasanim.

As we prepare for the most joyous of  days, and what could be more joyous than the completion of yet another cycle of the heylige Toirah, a time we call זמן שמחתנו, “time of our happiness”, the Oisvorfer began to klerr more about this strange holiday which also adds a touch of Yom Kippur into the mix.
According to most opinions, the Shmini Atzeres Yom Tov meals must be eaten in the Sukkah but we don’t make the brocho of layshaiv b’sukkah.  Some say that indeed we must eat in the Sukkah but we may be lenient and use a plastic tablecloth and paper dishes. Some are even more lenient and suggest that the eishes chayil may wear a hat instead of a full sheitel though others argue that the hat must have hair already attached. Others add that the eishes chayil may wear her pundula (house-robe) in the Succah but only on the last day. Others only allow this leniency if all the children of marriageable age are already married. Some say, that if the kids are engaged or at least dating seriously, this heter (leniency) can also be relied on. Others say that under no conditions may one use plastic if the Succah has a window and a neighbor can see in, even from afar.  Some have the custom to be lenient on Shmini Atzeres and eat some or all of the Yom Tov meals in the house. Is this clear or what? One thing is zicher: Moishe Rabaynu is laughing uncontrollably ober not to worry: Moshiach is coming one day soon, maybe taka on the eighth day, ver veyst.

On the other hand: The Toirah says “You shall dwell in booths for seven days, every citizen of Israel shall dwell in booths —–“ (Leviticus 23:42-43). The last the Oisvorfer counted, seven was still seven; when did seven become eight? Furthermore, the heylige Gemorah (Rosh Hashono 4b) mentions that Shmini Atzeres is a separate holiday unto itself in respect to six specific halachic issues. Moreover, the heylige Gemorah (Taanis 20b-31a) declares, “The eighth day is a festival in its own right.”  There is of course a machloikes amongst the commentaries regarding what those six issues are, what else is new?

Ok chevra- let’s clarify again. Halt kup (pay attention): here are the differences between Succois and Shmini Atzeres. First: there is no more shokeling of the lulav and esrog and as far as the Oisvorfer is concerned, if one cannot grab and caress his esrog and shokel the lulav, well, it’s just not Sukkis.  Ober argues the Oichaze B’yad that whenever we do grab and caresses, it’s taka a Yom Tov, if you chap, especially if a shokel is included somewhere. Second: although some of us have our meals and recite Kiddush in the Sukkah we no longer say the brocho to dwell in it. Nu, you tell me:  if one cannot  make a brocho of leshev b’sukkah, is it still Sukkis? And if it’s not Sukkis, then one can eat, sleep, shokel, grab and caress indoors. Gishmak mamish!

And while we’re arguing about whether or not we do or don’t eat, make a brocho or not and other such important matters, over in the holy land, they’re having an entirely different sort of argument: On street corners of Yirushalayim and in the lobbies of all the major hotels, stuffed like kishka (derma) with American and other tourists, – they’re getting into fisticuffs about whether the Americans and Europeans need to hold one or two days of Yom Tov- oy vey!

The heylige Oisvorfer  never quite understood this machloikes either and as he  sees it, it’s quite a simple issue. One can pick and choose and there are plenty of Rabbis, young and old, dead and alive, who agree with any position you pick. Says the Oisvorfer: You’re on safe ground if you hold one or two days- you’re an apikores mamish of the highest order if you elect to hold either zero or three days. Case closed!  In any event- this Yom  Tov- whether you hold seven or eight days and whether you hold one or two days over in the holy land, is all about machloikes and likely money. If you hold one day in Israel, you can of course check out one day earlier and come home with a few shekels in your pocket so that you can pay the mortgage on your house. On the other hand, if you check out and leave Israel one day early, you’ll get home just in time to keep the second day here- yikes! If you hold eight days here, you have to endure another 3 day yom tov this year, a scrappy beard and your shviger (mother-in-law) in the house for yet another three days- gevald!! Is it any wonder that we orthodox are a confused bunch?

Is this what the RBSO had in mind? Maybe it was!  Efsher the RBSO wanted us to argue and discuss these issues.  Maybe He taka wanted us to engage each other in heylige debates versus stam reydt (regular BS).  Efsher He was klerring that such talk would cut down on loshoin horo, richilus and talk about when the rabbi is or isn’t retiring.  Did it work?  Seemingly not!

A gittin Yom Tov- Chag Somayach!

Yitz Grossman

The Oisvorfer


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