Raboyseyee and Ladies,
Orgy in the Wilderness:
While the heylige Ois is out of the country, please enjoy this repeat -edited and updated for 2024- from way back in 2015; it is still relevant and givaldig!
Let’s learn some parsha, and what a parsha it is, OMG! Though it’s mid-July and some of you won’t be in the mood to make it to shul, avada you should not miss the reading of pashas Bolok which will tell us how the RBSO intervened to foil the plot of two minuvulim (bad guys) who wanted to curse His chosen people and also what happened to over 20,000 Yiddin –24,000 to be exact- because they spent too much time intermingling with shiksas. You will also meet a fellow named Zimri though not by name. His Toirah shout out -in next week’s parsha- will last but two or three pisukim. His shouting when speared through his baytzim (genitalia) by a fellow named Pinchas, who is the subject of next week’s parsha, undoubtedly lasted longer. This one will amaze and astound as it features in great detail a cat and mouse game between two people, two goyim (gentiles) who seemingly hated one another but found some common ground: they both hated the Yiddin more! In some awkward collaboration and in an early version of the gang that couldn’t shoot straight, these two joined forces to (try to) curse the Yiddin. But, it’s the back of the parsha that will pique and hold your interest, chazerim that you are, as it describes a mass orgy and what followed.
It so happens, that of the 54 parshas found in the heylige Toirah, only five are named after individuals: Noiach, Yisroy, Koirach, Bolok, and Pinchas? And what do they all have in common? All but Pinchas were goyim! Some say that Yisroy converted, ver veyst? Weren’t our heylige forefathers and foremothers name-parsha worthy? What about Yoisef the Tzadik? And still other good people? Avada we all know that Koirach was very wealthy, some say the wealthiest man of his time and mistama he paid and made a shtikel dedication, ober the others? And wasn’t it Moishe who schlepped up to the mountain (a few times) and brought back the Aseres Hadibrois (Ten Commandments) twice? Why was that parsha named after his shver (FIL) Yisroy? Ver veyst?
Shoin………..here we are one Shabbis later, and the Yiddin are mamish on shpilkis (pins and needles) waiting to cross the river and enter the Promised Land. It’s been a good while since parshas Bishalach when 40 years ago they were miraculously redeemed from slavery. Along the way, that generation of men lost their moral compasses and were nebech doomed to die in the midbar. Excepting Kolave ben Yifuna and Yehoishua bin Nun, seemingly they were all dead by now, ober what about this next generation? Were they any better? Were they Promised Land worthy? Seemingly, many weren’t and as mentioned above, by the time we read the last few pisukim of Bolok, another 24,000 will be stricken down.
Shoin, let’s taka begin as we have in past years, at the very end of the parsha where we will read the amazing story of how the second generation Yiddin, those slated to enter the land, entered some other areas first, if you chap, which they did. How could this happen? Simply stated, the heylige Toirah will tell us that they were seduced by a combination of the hot shiksa Moabite mydlich (whores), and were seemingly also affected by the waters they drank. Could water be bad for a person? Aren’t we taught to drink multiple cups daily?
Last week Moishe, our fearless leader and the only person with whom the RBSO had mouth to mouth conversations, was punished for shtekin abuse (mishandling his staff); he was told to talk to the rock, but used his staff to hit it instead. Ober did the Yiddin chap that such abuse was not in accordance with the RBSO’s wishes? Did they chap that a persons’ staff -if you chap- requires special attention and restraint? Did they learn? Seemingly not and shoin, here we are one parsha later where staff abuse -this time by oversexed men- will again come into play.
Efsher you’re wondering azoy: Why is the heylige Ois constantly highlighting staff abuse? Because the heylige Toirah does not hide these stories: Punkt farkert (quite the opposite). The heylige Toirah highlights them and is efsher teaching us that staff abuse –be it from Moishe or from stam azoy Yiddin, will not be tolerated. In every iteration, it’s not tolerable. And this week, the Yiddin are staff abusing the Moabite shiksas. In one of the wildest stories the heylige Toirah will ever tell us, of course with much additional color -and efsher some embellishment- by the myriad exegetes who were all over this myseh, a number of Yiddin will have sinned by combining staff- abuse and avoido-zoro (sexual immorality + idol worship), always a lethal and deadly combination. And how many times has the Ois told you that the RBSO typically gets rid of real troublemakers almost immediately. Unlike Doson and Aviram who, despite their less than stellar behavior, lived throughout much of the midbar experience, this last batch, the Shittim dwellers who partook in the shrekliche orgies coupled with avoid zoro, didn’t last nine pisukim. How long they lasted during the orgy itself is not disclosed. The arrived to Shittim, they came, if you chap, and they went! Ober what really took place and how did this happen?
Following Bilam’s colossal failure to curse the Yiddin, he left for home and the Yiddin settled in Shitim where all hell would break loose. Nu what could be so giferlich, what could they have already done? What’s so special about this place called Shittim? Say the medrish: Just before Bilam left for home, he came up with one last plot, an oldie, but time tested and kimat (nearly) always guaranteed to work. It involved Yiddin and hookers, a deadly combination! There are many versions of the story, let’s try one or two so you can chap the scene. Oh, and before you start calling the Ois all sorts of names, please be reminded that we only discuss what’s already been printed. In this case, in the heylige Toirah itself and then further elucidated by the heylige Gemora, the medrish and many others. Seemingly no one could get enough of this myseh.
Says the heylige Toirah (Bamidbar 25:1), azoy: And Israel dwelled in Shittim. “And the people began to go astray after the daughters of Moiov.”
What does dwelling in Shittim have to do with the Yiddin going astray and epes getting involved with Moabite shiksas? Was Shittim in Las Vegas? Ober says the Medrish Rabbah azoy: Some fountains rear strong men and some weaklings, some handsome men and some ugly men, some chaste men and some men who are steeped in lewdness. The fountain of Shittim promoted harlotry and it was the one that watered Sedoim. Not since the days of Avrohom had any Jew broken loose in whoredom, but as soon as the Yiddin arrived to Shittim and drank its waters they succumbed to whoredom. Seemingly they really came to Shittim, if you chap. You hear this medrish? Blame the water, why not? Why else would the otherwise well behaved, heylige and tirerer (worthy) Yiddin get involved is such dastardly acts of minuvelikite? Say it’s not so please. Nu, is it a wonder that we are warned to only drink bottled water and under great supervision. Who knew that one drink from a brook and shoin, all hell would break loose? Ober what taka happened?
Says the heylige Gemora (Sanhedrin 106a) azoy: Bilam told his newfound friend Bolok to ensnare the children of Israel with Moabite girls. Bilam explained that the RBSO hates promiscuity and that the Yiddin are very partial to linen. Come, and I will advise you what to do. Erect for them tents enclosed by hangings, and place in them zoinas (harlots), old women outside, young women within, to sell them linen garments.
Bolok, by this time desperate and ready to try anything, erected curtained tents and staffed them with harlots. Older women on the outside, younger ones inside. The trap was set and when an unsuspecting Yidil ate, drank, and was merry, and then took a shpatzir (walk) in the market place, the old women would say to him, “Do you desire linen garments?” The old women offered the goods at retail ober the younger whores, offered the goods for less. Avada every Yid loves a bargain and shoin, soon enough they were inside the tents. This happened two or three times. Once comfortable, the girls would say, “you are now like one of the family; sit down and choose for yourself.” Gourds of Ammonite wine lay near her, and we should avada recall that back then, Ammonite and heathen wine had not yet been forbidden. Said she to him: “Would you like to drink a glass of wine?” Having drunk, his passion was inflamed and he exclaimed to her, “Yield to me.” Or in plain English: I want you right now! Thereupon she brought forth an idol from her bosom and said to him, “Worship this.”
Nu, when a man has had some fine wine and is in a tent with a hot shiksa and being seduced, he is definitely compromised. Moreover, when he is also surrounded by beautiful linens, and at the last second the service provider demands that he worship an idol, is he not going to succumb? What chance does he have and what chance did the other 23,999 have? They were mamish doomed. Ober what has sexual desire to do with idol worship? How were they connected and what the hec is a Ba’al Peor? And how was this worship manifested?
Alarmingly it went something like this. The girls had an idol called Ba’al Peor and the worship procedure required the worshipper to defecate on the idol. They did what? And while this makes little sense, who combines defection with fornication? Ober says the heylige Gemora that this is how it and they went down. Exactly what roles the linens play ver veyst? Did the Yiddin need linens to get aroused? Would they not have succumbed to the zoinas (whore) with but food and wine? Or wine alone? Or just for cash? And since when does taking a good dump constitute idol worship?
Let’s check out the Gemora verbatim because mistama you’re thinking that the heylige Ois is suffering from heat stroke here in Barcelona.
The heylige Gemora (Sanhedrin 64a) provides a rather vivid description of how this worship was implemented in practice: Rav Yehudah said in the name of Rav: There was an incident involving a gentile woman who was very sick. She said, “If I am healed, I will go and worship all of the avoidah zoro in the world.” She was healed, and went to worship all of the avoidah zoro in the world. But when she came to the avoidah zoro of Peor, she asked [one of] the priests, “How do you worship this one?” He said, “You eat and drink laxatives and defecate in its face.” She said, “I would rather be sick again than to worship avodah zoro like this!” What happened next? The heylige Gemora then reports that the highest level of Baal Peor worship was, sadly, demonstrated by a Jew:
But the Jews were not that way … There was an incident involving Savta ben Elas who rented out his donkey to a gentile woman. When they reached Peor she said to him, “Wait here until I go in, [worship], and come out.” After she came out he said to her, “You, too, wait for me until I go in, [worship], and come out.” She asked him, “But aren’t you a Jew?” He responded, “That’s none of your business.” He went in, defecated in its face, and wiped himself on its nose, causing the priests to praise him saying, “We’ve never seen anyone worship like this before!”
Did these mysehs really happen, ver veyst? So says the medrish and the heylige Gemora. On the other hand, who are you or I to argue? In any event, the heylige Toirah itself tells us that the Yiddin, 24,000 of them did mamish whore around with these girls. Maybe they were just on duty, ver veyst? In any event, the RBSO did not take kindly to this behavior and as stated above, He brought a plague during which these 24,000 were laid, this time to rest. And the emes is that it epes appears from the script that there were way more than 24,000 sinners and participants and that the heroic actions of one fellow, Pinchas, about whom we will read next week, who saved more from dying.
And before we close out, let’s quickly meet Zimri. Who was Zimri? He was the Nosi (prince) of Shayvet Shimon and the most prominent individual to take part in the midbar orgy. And his big sin? Zimri brought a Midianite shiksa named Kosbi into the Camp of the Yiddin, had sex with her before The Assembly (read: in public view).
Shoin, let’s chazir what went down besides the Moabite shiksas. Seemingly, the Moabite and Midianite kings had learned they could defeat the Yiddin by turning them away from the RBSO, by tempting them to commit sexual sins, the oldest trick in the book. In fact, so deep was the hatred for the Yiddin from the Midianites, that one of their chiefs recruited his own daughter into prostitution to lure the Yiddin into sin. Says the medrish (Medrish Rabbah 2 1: 3) azoy: One chief (Tzur) aimed to seduce the Israelite leaders by using his daughter, Kozbi, to entice Zimri, a prince of the tribe of Shimon. Rashi tells us that Kozbi and other young Midianite women seduced thousands of Yiddishe men into the worship of their god Ba’al Peor by holding out the goodies, which avada the aroused participants wanted: Sex always sells.
Zimri brought Kozbi to Moishe and asked if she was forbidden to him (for sexual relations). What was he thinking? Should Moishe tell me she’s forbidden, then I’ll remind him (Moishe) that his own wife Tzipoirah is from the same place. And efsher you taka recall that Moishe ran to Midian and eventually married Tzipoirah. Ober Moishe is now 120 years old and was efsher a shtikel forgetful or maybe in total shock. He drew a blank. As an aside, the medrish tells us that Tzipoirah converted making her mutir (permissible) to Moishe. Another medrish says that avada Moishe married Tzipoirah before Matan Toirah and yet another says (not really) that because she was black and beautiful she didn’t have to be Jewish. Veyter: The halocho (law) of what to do in the case of Zimri and the Midianite woman was concealed from Moishe, so the Yiddin cried.
The Maharsha, through some calculation, proves that Zimri was at least 250 years old when he ridiculed Moishe and showed up with this younger Midianite woman. Pretty impressive! One also has to wonder how Zimri was able to perform at 250. Did he have some Shittim water?
What happened next? When Pinchas, the son of Elazar, saw the public display of Zimri and Kozbi, he was mamish disgusted (wouldn’t you be if you chapped a 250 year old with a teen?) and told Moishe that he remembers the halocho (law). A person having sex with a shiksa is to be executed during the act (only if she’s ugly) but not before or after. Without seeking counsel, he took his spear and stabbed them in their male and female organs, a direct hit. In other words: while Zimri was mounted on Kozbi, Pinchas, who seemingly had but one spear, took aim, piercing them both in the genitalia; X marks the spot! Immediately thereafter, and after 24,000 died, the plague stopped.
The bottom line: Only a real religion would share such information about its leaders: the heylige Toirah is real!
A gittin Shabbis!
The Heylige Oisvorfer Ruv
Yitz Grossman