Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Bolok 2013 – What’s In A Name?

talkingdonkeySame time next year:  One year ago this very Parsha, we wished a hearty mazel tov to Esther and Baruch Weinstein. Later that day, Tova was marrying Mikey Kook. And as we go to print for Parshas Bolok in 2013, we again wish them a hearty mazel tov.  As this week’s  Toirah is being disseminated,  here we are at yet another Weinstein simcha: Their daughter Tamar is marrying Mordechai Katz. We wish them a life, wherever it takes them, filled with much mazel and joy.Raboyseyee and Raboyseyettes:What’s in a name?

Before the writing begins each week, the heylige Oisvorfer goes through his archives to see what has previously been written on the parsha and makes valiant attempts not to repeat thoughts from previous years. Ober, as we approach the end of year three, this has become more and more challenging. Moreover, not one word of the heylige Toirah has changed since it came down from Sinai over 3500 years ago; it’s forever. Every year we read the same parshas all over again; the stories haven’t changed, and as Dr. Howie, a long time chaver has said in the past : it’s de’ zelbe myseh a yur  shpeter (same story, a year later). And when it comes to Parshas Bolok which is quite strange on many levels, it’s shver mamish to have new insights especially so when the coverage in 2011 and in 2012 was mamish oisergiveyntlich (outstanding).  It was givaldig, brilliant, informative, educational, insightful and avada also laced with the typical Oisvorfer humor and sarcasm. The Oisvorfer mamish brought this parsha to life with an abundance of color and commentary on what took place, what went down, who and more, much. What to do? This year for 2013, the Oisvorfer has combined the best of 2011 and 2012; enjoy. Ober at the last moment, min hashomayim mamish, a new gedank (thought) popped into his head: What does one have to achieve in his/her life to get a parsha named him or herself? Nu, soon we’ll explore this topic bi’arechus (at length).

Welcome to Parshas Bolok, one of the most fascinating in the gantze (entire) Toirah kula (entire Toirah). Why so, you ask? Because the story we’ll hear this coming Shabbis, unlike many others throughout the heylige Toirah, is told with very graphic detail, nothing left out. Whereas most other Toirah stories have gaping holes, so many at times that even after a complete reading, we are left to rely, as we have discussed in the past, on oral traditions, and what could be better if you chap, Bolok is, interestingly enough, punkt (specifically) farkert.  This particular parsha describes in very colorful detail every move and counter move attempted during the conspiracy by its central characters to curse the Yiddin. And for that reason alone Parshas Bolok is perhaps the most fully developed story and storyline in the gantze Toirah kula.   It’s screenplay ready. There’s really not much left to the imagination until we get to the last nine pisukim of the parsha where all hell breaks loose. Speaking of loose,  a man from Shevet  Shimoin to be identified by name in next week’s parsha, has an open and unusual public act of lewdness and  salacious entanglement with a hot shiksa named Kosbi; their story continues into next week’s parsha of Pinchas. Ober chap nisht; that’s what he did, and his life wasn’t spared, though he was  speared, if you get the point- he did. Oh, and also toward the very end, a good number of Yiddin did a very bad; seemingly, while begin seduced by young shiksas, they got quite naughty and also did some dastardly acts of avoido zoro. As you can only imagine, the heylige Gemora and so many others fill in the blanks, as did they, if you chap. More on that below.

And before we go tiffer (deeper) into the parsha, let’s do a quick one paragraph overview, here we go. King Balak of Moiov retains Bilam a famed non-Jewish prophet and sorcerer to curse the Yiddin. In the end, because only the RBSO is really in charge, blessings instead of curses will come out of his mouth including nevuah (prophecies) concerning the ultimate redemption. Following his unsuccessful attempts to curse the Yiddin he concocts one last plan; this one will work. Moabite women, some say they were Midianites, entice some (many thousands) of Yiddin into sin, by using one of the oldest tricks in the book – sexual favors. While being seduced and in compromised positions, the shiksas will also entice their customers into the worship of  the Baal Peor deity. What that is and how it works, we’ll get to later; you won’t want to miss this amazing story. The RBSO commands Moishe to execute the guilty. Yet another plague breaks out, many more will die. Zimri, a leader amongst the Yiddin is consorting, in public mamish, with a hot shiksa princess; seemingly they were not observing the laws of tznius. Pinchas, Aharoin’s eynikel ( grandson), kills them both, and the plague is halted. Shoin, it’s one parsha later and another 24,000 dead Yiddin. And before we look at the parsha bi’arechus, let’s go back to the new thought for 2013.

Nu, hard as it is to believe, this week’s Parsha, as mistama you recall from last year, is named after a goy, mamish. It’s taka emes that the Yiddin have been in some serious trouble these last few weeks and that thousands were condemned and taka did perish during this Midbar trek, ober had they sunk so low that the RBSO couldn’t find one decent Yid to name a Parsha after? What’s taka pshat here?

Every year as Parshas Bolok approaches, the Oisvorfer begins to toil away at the various medroshim who pontificate on events in this parsha and every year the same question comes to mind: how is it and why is it that a parsha in the heylige Toirah was named after a goy. Not just any goy but a sworn and open enemy of the Yiddin? Does this bother anyone else? And now that you’re thinking………efsher you’re also wondering about the names of other parshas: how many are taka named after goyim mamish? How many after a person? Nu, since we’ll be discussing this topic a bit further below, here is the answer: there are either 5 or 6 named after people, soon we’ll explain. They are Noiach, Chaya Soro, Yisroy, Koirach, Pinchas and Bolok. How many goyim does that make? Nu, mistama you forgot that Noiach, though a tzadik and overall good guy, according to most, or at least some, wasn’t Jewish and that would make three parshas named after non-Jews. And efsher you’re also klerring the following… if Noiach got a Parsha, how is it that Moishe and many others didn’t? Didn’t he have a magic shtekin and didn’t he use it to perform nissim mamish? Wasn’t he our fearless leader and the only person that the RBSO spoke to mouth to mouth? And what about the heylige Ovois (forefathers)? Don’t we mention them daily in our prayers? And nebech the heylige emohois ( foremothers), weren’t they deserving, at least mama Rochel? Didn’t Yitzchok who was mamish ready to sacrifice his life for the RBSO deserve epes a parsha?  What about Yankif Oveenu? Didn’t he sacrifice his entire life mamish by being married to four women?  How about Yoisef? Wasn’t he everyone’s hero and good guy? He’s the main character in three parshas; shouldn’t he have at least one named after himself? Nu, some taka say that parshas Chaya Soro is one of the six, and that the women are therefore well represented ober others suggest that since the parsha only covers her posthumous life, that it does not count.  What’s taka pshat? Does it pas (feel or look right) for a Toirah parsha to be named after a Koirach and a Bolok when mamish our forefathers couldn’t get a single parsha?  Nu, Red Buttons, were he alive, would have had an entire routine over this kasha.  Could this happen today? The medroshim are avada replete with various  suggestions on how parsha names were selected  ober we must still be left a shtikel perplexed over the fact that Bolok, a bavusta (well known) Jew hater got his own.

Though it’s avada also bavust (well known and accepted) that when it comes to Shuls and Yeshivas, everything is for sale, after all, they do always need cash, would they allow a goy to dedicate a parsha or an entire Toirah? Nu, don’t answer that! Can you imagine the uproar at the next Citifield Asifa? Can you only imagine the tumult were a well known goy, even a good goy, one who loves Yiddin, efsher a giveer mamish (a multimillionaire)  to send in a pledge and wanted to dedicate a sefer Toirah or even a Parsha. Though it’s also bavust  that most yeshivas and other institutions would sell their soul for  a few dollars and especially for more than a few, would they allow the goy’s name to show up on the mantel (Toirah cover), in the dedication, or in the procession as they march the newly minted Toirah into a shul? Ver veyst?  Seemingly, bazman hazeh (in our times), we would of course  name a parsha after a child molester, even one that is  a tenured Rebbe of kinderlach, efsher even head of a major organization, ober a parsha with a goy’s  name? Nu, taka excellent questions. And mistama the only reason we don’t know the real answers is because mistama is hasn’t happened yet.

Why did these six individuals deserve to have Toirah Parshas named after them? As stated above, even our heylige Ovois (forefathers), all three of them failed to chap a parsha name, what’s taka pshat here? Nu, the Oisvorfer did some research and here’s what he has to report. Not much! Seemingly, in some cases the person named plays a key role in the parsha, in other weeks the person is actually mentioned after some great event in their life. Lemoshol (for instance), Chayai Soro  is  named for her and  describes her death in the first verse! Another idea might be that the people for whom parshas are named are all great people, ober how do we reconcile this answer when two are named after people who antagonized the RBSO, one being the leader of a rebellion? It’s not often in the Toirah, no matter how upset, that the RBSO causes an earthquake. Bolok and Koirach certainly weren’t “good guys” as described in their respective parshiois. Ober many seem to say that we needn’t dig nor read into the names. Parshas are named simply based on a word or two in the first possik (verse).

And now that we know that Bilam ended up bentching  (blessing) the Yiddin, though efsher not what he initially intended, efsher he was the parsha hero and efsher the parsha should bear his name? And why not? At least, he communicated with the RBSO at times and did, as we said, in the end bentch the Yiddin and add a nice song to our Friday night davening.  Seemingly, he turned from bad to  good, doesn’t he deserve a parsha name?. Ober as we will learn from the heylige Gemora: Bilam was no angel and says the Medrish (Tanchuma Vayeitzei 13) and says also Targum Yoinoson ben Uziel (22:5): Bilam was none other than Lovon, the father of Rochel and Leah! He was? Then again, another Gemora suggests that this parsha is taka called Parshas Bilam. Nu, ver veyst?

Some taka ask azoy: given that both Bilam and Bolok hated the Yiddin, why was it that only Bolok got his name attached to the parsha? Taka not a bad question. Ober  Chazal (our sages )and other commentaries  tell us a givaldige answer, a life lesson mamish.  Seemingly, for all of Bolok’s wickedness, he possessed at least one good attribute –most people do- he was honest. Everyone knew where he stood with Bolok. His intentions and actions were clear-cut: he heated the Yiddin. Shoin, not the first, nor the last, nebech.  He disclosed his hatred of the Yiddin to one and all. He made no attempt to conceal his hatred, seemingly such honesty, though an enemy,  deserves a Parsha of his own. And pshat is that an honest enemy- one that mamish tells you he hates you- is avada and avada better than a fake friend. Bilam pretended to be a holy man and to aspire to fulfill only the RBSO’s commands ober his actions exposed his hypocritical ways. And the life lesson: nu, need this be spelled out? Everyone has fake friends who behind their backs, act as enemies mamish. Sadly, many paragraphs can be written on this life lesson, ober let’s go Veyter. The Toirah demonstrates that… better an honest enemy (Bolok) than a false friend (Bilam) Gishmak, no? Some say that Lovon, Yankif’s shver and who gets a shout out at the Pesach seder was the model of this backstabbing friend. And as we said above,

some say that Bilam was taka Lovon: givaldig!. And the bottom line? Who named the Parshiois? Seemingly not the RBSO and not even Moishe. Some say it was the Anshay K’neses Ha’gidoila (the people who led the great assembly). Ver veyst and efsher one day we’ll find out how a few Goyim merited that Parshas be named after them. Nu, let’s learn some parsha.

Parshas Bolok stars two anti-semitten kings who disliked each other but united for a common cause.  They both hated the Yiddin; what else is new. In the co-starring role, we find an ass (a she donkey) that gets a speaking role, mamish. Moreover, a favorite part of the davening, a part that we say each and every morning, a part that the Siddur’s codifiers saw fit to include, is found in this week’s parsha and was originally spoken by yet another sheygitz – one of the central goyim in the parsha. Moreover this goy seems to have direct contact with the RBSO, he’s a shtikel Novee (prophet). What the hec is going on here? Did the heylige Toirah chas v’sholom (say it’s not so) run out of Yiddin to talk about?  What’s p’shat here? Why do these two clowns; Bolok and Bilam taka get so much play and mamish occupy 7/8ths of the gantze parsha when other choshova Yiddin barely got a shout-out?

Not much going on in the Parsha in terms of mitzvois, it has none of the 613, but it certainly does contain two amazing stories, and you won’t want to miss them. The first, a plot to defeat the BNY (Yiddin)  with the help of some magical powers, and the other which takes up all of 9 pisukim, is about Yiddin, hot shiksa Moabite and or Midianite hookers, sex, defecation  and idol worship. It is? And with that tidbit, zicher you’re paying  attention; let’s learn some parsha.


Lest you think that the Yiddin had a good week and flew below the radar of the Ananay Hakovoid (the clouds of glory), nu- also in this week’s parsha, but all the way in the end, the Yiddin find yet another way to anger the RBSO, and guess what? It’s not a happy ending and another 24,000 will perish before we get to maftir. Be sure to be in attendance for this part: you’ll feel mamish left out if you miss it. It’s but one week later and the restless incorrigible Yiddin have found yet another way of getting into trouble, resourceful bunch that they were. This time they’re not hungry or thirsty and they’ve seemingly forgotten about all the requests they made for exotic fruits, including pomegranates, just last week. This week, the object of their desires is the hot shiksa Midianite and or Moabite women, depending on which pshat you like. Avada givist (of course), these encounters did have happy endings followed immediately by a less than pleasant one, if you chap.  Mistama (likely), now you chazerrim want to hear more. Of course you do ober ershtens (but first) let’s check in on Bilam and Bolok and their nefarious plot to hurt the Yiddin.


Bikitzur (in short) here’s what went down: Bolok ben Tzipor, the king of Moiav and a warrior himself, hears that the BNY defeated Emoir while on their way to the Promised Land. He becomes frightened and thinks he’s next to go down. He consults with the good people of Midyan (where Moishe spent some time – first as a fugitive from Egyptian justice, then after finding a wife, as the shepherd to his shver’s sheep- nu, also a profession) about trying to come up with a plan to defeat the Yiddin They tell him he’s got one shot only: he has to find this Bilam character since he, Bilam, has special powers to curse, and if he curses the Yiddin, all will be good for Bolok and his nation of Moiav. Chap all this? Most of the parsha is about the plan, the plot, its execution, its failure and some suddenly speech empowered ass that belonged to Bilam. A talking ass, you wonder?


If you’re having a difficult time believing that an ass can suddenly talk, you’re not alone. Says the RambaM and who knew more, azoy: this entire incident was but a prophetic vision and none of it happened. It didn’t? Ver veyst? Grada this is a big statement as it challenges words of the heylige Toirah mamish. Was this epes a special donkey or can any ass talk? Veyter! Ober says the RambaN, also a medieval commentator, azoy: the donkey did in fact talk to Bilam to remind him and future readers, that the RBSO can control even a human’s most basic functions. And  says the Seforno, he of the Renaissance-era, azoy: the story is really about paying attention to signs. The behavior of the donkey should have been a sign to Bilam that what he was about to do was not good in the eyes of the RBSO.

Says the Medrish  azoy:  Bilam’s donkey was the same animal that our Zeyda Avrohom Oveenu rode  to Har Hamoriyo (Mount Moriah)  to sacrifice his favorite and only son Yitzchok, and it’s the same donkey that will eventually carry the Moshiach.  Says Pirkei Ovois:  the talking donkey was made on day 6 of creation, before Shabbis. This is one of the miracles of Nature that was provided for in advance as part of the cosmic plan. Nu, isn’t it obvious to you how the RBSO takes care of every detail, mamish? Obviously this no ordinary donkey. Ober who  is this Bilam character? According to a famous Medrish Bilam was one of the advisors who told Paroy the minuvil to toss Yiddishe boy babies into the water. In any event, not the nicest guy and zicher no friend of the Yiddin.


Veyter:  Bolok hires Bilam to curse the Yiddin, and in scenes reminiscent of ‘the gang that couldn’t shoot straight,’ Bilam is unable, for various reasons, to execute. Along the way the RBSO, first through his Malach and then seemingly Himself,  has an encounter or two  with Bilam and warns him against cursing the RBSO’s favorite people- us the Yiddin. Mistama and avada you’re wondering why the RBSO is epes having meetings with this fellow- are you? Hey: aren’t we the chosen people? Of course Rashi, who else, covers this by explaining that the RBSO didn’t want the other nations of the world to complain that we Yiddin had Moishe and therefore we’re so well behaved and they had no one to provide leadership and guidance. Seemingly the RBSO didn’t want to hear them whining jealously about the fact that they didn’t have good representation. Accordingly He selected Bilam the goy sorcerer, despite his personal character flaws which you will zicher enjoy reading about in the next paragraph, infused him with some  ruach hakoidesh (holy spirit) which, according to many, came to him only during the night and had meetings and conversations with him. I understand that many of you also have spirits at night; unfortunately they’re less than holy. Chap all that? Ok- veyter.


Want to hear more about Bilam? Who was he and what’s the story with him and his talking donkey? Yes you do, and since you’ve all advanced in your learning this past year, we’ll learn some Gemora.  Here goes. And before we begin, let me tell you azoy: when you get done with this shtikel Gemora, you’re mamish going to feel bad that you cut all those classes or didn’t pay attention when you did show up because this stuff cannot be made up. Says the heylige Gemora in Sanhedrin 105 azoy:


The Gemora lists several degrading qualities about Bilam which are hinted to in his name. The verse calls him “Ben Be’or” — “the son of Be’or” (Bamidbar 22:5). The word “Be’or” means donkey. The Gemora explains that he had intimate relations with his donkey. Yes, you read that correctly. Bilam was riding the donkey in more ways than one, if you chap. Does the Gemora mean that Bilam’s father, Be’or, had relations with his donkey, or that Bilam, the son of Be’or, committed this act? Taka an excellent question and it has several possible answers, let’s learn.


(a) The Yad Ramah says that the Gemora refers to Bilam, whom the verse alludes to as a “Ben Be’or” — “a son who had relations with a donkey.” The Gemora later (105b) indeed says that Bilam’s donkey implied as much in its conversation with Bilam. The donkey said to Bilam, “I am your donkey which you rode on me… have I ever put you in danger (ha’Hasken Hiskanti) to do this to you?” (Bamidbar 22:30). The Gemora explains that word “Hasken” is used in reference to Avishag, who was brought in to keep Dovid ha’Melech warm in his old age and mistama she rode him as well, if you chap. The Gemora understands that Bilam’s donkey was referring to its similar companionship and relationship with Bilam. In other words: it wasn’t a ride in the park, if you chap.


(b) Alternatively, the Yad Ramah explains that the Gemora refers to the reason why Bilam’s father was called Be’or. It was Be’or, Bilam’s father, who had relations with a donkey.


(c) The MELO HA’RO’IM quotes the SHELAH who explains that Be’or and Bilam were actually the same person. The Shelah is so certain of this explanation that he asserts that there must be a printer’s mistake in the text of Rashi which states that Be’or was the father of Bilam.


Want another view? Let’s try this one. Bilam is presented to us as a total contradiction. He is described as “Knowing the mind of G-d”, and we are told in the Midrash (Bamidbar Rabba 14; 20) that his level of prophecy surpassed even that of Moishe Rabaynu. Yet his personal habits and character traits were the most despicable that we can imagine. In fact, says the heylige Gemora (Avoida Zara 4b,) we can derive from the donkey’s conversation with Bilam that he used to have sexual relations with it. How could someone simultaneously be on such a high level, and still remain such a chazir of a human being? Nu, mistama many of you can answer this question yourselves, if you chap. And as to why the RBSO chose Bilam and gave him Ruach Hakoidesh after he was intimate with his donkey, nu, Rashi above covers this subject. And if you’re not happy with that pshat, too bad. Who says we have to understand everything the RBSO does? And as the Oisvorfer has said over and over: the RBSO knows what He’s doing and it’s not for us to question.


Other sages suggest that since Bilam had relations with his donkey, he is no longer considered to be a great prophet, no kidding!  Some say that Bilam began to behave in this way (deviant behavior) only once he decided to curse the BNY.  Others maintain that he was always a minuvil and had always engaged in such behavior, but he was nevertheless given prophecy as a gift from the RBSO; seemingly there is hope for some of you. Ober once he became an adversary of the Yiddin, he lost that gift (but kept the donkey).


Nu, whichever pshat talks to you, it does appear that either Bilam and or his dad, were sexual deviants. Veyter: After a series of blunders and failed attempts to curse the Yiddin and after the RBSO warns him not to, this is what comes out of Bilam’s mouth as he gazes into the tents of the Yiddin. “How goodly are your tents, Yaakov, your dwelling places, Yisroel. They stretch forth like streams, like gardens by the river, like the aloe trees that Hashem has planted; like cedar trees by the water. Water flows out from his buckets, and his seed will have an abundant flow; his king will be greater than Agag and his monarchy shall be uplifted. G-d Who has brought him out of Egypt, has shown His great strength to him; He will consume His enemy nations, crushing their bones and dip His arrows (in their blood). He crouches and lies like a lion, and, being a lion, who would dare rouse him? Those who bless you are blessed, and those who curse you are cursed.” Did you hear that blessing? These are the words of Mah Tovu Oyholecha Yaakov, translated here for all of you giferliche oisvorfs who haven’t a clue what you’ve  been saying all your lives.


Here was Bilam gazing into the tents of the Yiddin and this is what he saw? Or, was he suffering from sun stroke in the hot desert? Efsher we can posit that he was delirious after being mezaneh with his donkey because not one possik later, the heylige Toirah tells us the following story; another side of the events that were unfolding in tents not too far away. Halt kup: this is better than materials you see on the  tumidikkee (treif) internet, if you chap.


Following Bilam’s colossal failure to curse the Yiddin, he goes home and the BNY settle in Shittim where all hell seems to break loose. Nu what could be so giferlich, what could they have already done? What’s so special about Shittim? Rashi, quoting Chazal tells us that just before Bilam left for home, he came up with one last plot, an oldie, but time tested and kimat (nearly) always guaranteed to work. It involved Chasiddim…er I mean Yiddin and hookers- a deadly combination!  There are many versions of the story, let’s try one or two so you can chap the scene. Oh, and before you start calling the Oisvorfer all sorts of names, please be mindful that the heylige Oisvorfer didn’t make this stuff up, he’s merely repeating the heylige Gemora and , myriad medroshim, but first let’s quote the heylige Toirah (25:1) which says azoy:


And Israel dwelled in Shittim. And the people began to go astray after the daughters of Moiav. What does dwelling in Shittim have to do with the Yiddin going astray and epes getting involved with Moabite shiksas? Says the Medrish Rabbah: Some fountains rear strong men and some weaklings, some handsome men and some ugly men, some chaste men and some men who are steeped in lewdness. The fountain of Shittim promoted harlotry and it was the one that watered Sedoim. Because this fountain was cursed, the RBSO  will, in the future, cause it to dry up and then renew it, as it is written (Joel 4:18): “And a fountain shall come forth of the house of G-d, and shall water the valley of Shittim.” Not since the days of Avrohom had any Jew broken loose in whoredom; but as soon as they came to Shittim and drank its waters they succumbed to whoredom. You hear this medrish? Shoin: long before vitamin and mineral infused water, there was Shitim Water, why not? Why else would the heylige Yiddin get involved is such dastardly acts of minuvilikite?  Blame the water! Say it’s not so, loi olaynu pu pu pu! So what taka happened? The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?


Says the heylige Gemora (Sanhedrin 106a) azoy, and listen carefully.  Bilam told his newfound friend Bolok to ensnare the children of Israel with Moabite girls. Bilam explained that the RBSO hates promiscuity and that the Yiddin are very partial to linen. Come, and I will advise you what to do. Erect for them tents enclosed by hangings, and place in them zoinas (harlots), old women outside, young women within, to sell them linen garments.


So he (Bolok) erected curtained tents from the snowy mountain (Hermon) as far as Beth ha-Yeshimoth, and placed zoinas (harlots)  in them — old women on the outside, younger ones inside.  And when an unsuspecting Yidil ate, drank, and was merry, and took a shpatzir (walk) in the market place, the old women would say to him, “Do you desire linen garments?” The old women offered it at its current value, but the young ones, for less. This happened two or three times. After that she would say to him, “You are now like one of the family; sit down and choose for yourself.” Gourds of Ammonite wine lay near her, and at that time Ammonite and heathen wine had not yet been forbidden. Said she to him: “Would you like to drink a glass of wine?” Having drunk, his passion was inflamed, if you chap, and he exclaimed to her, “Yield to me!” Thereupon she brought forth an idol from her bosom and said to him, “Worship this.”


Nu, when a man is in a compromising position, surrounded by beautiful linens, and at the last second the service provider demands that he worship an idol, is he not going to succumb? And how was this worship manifested? Alarmingly it went something like this. The girls had an idol called Ba’al Peor and the worship procedure required the worshipper to defecate on the idol. Mistama, this makes little sense but this is what the heylige Gemora tells us and who are we to argue?  Why the plot included linens, ver veyst, wouldn’t the Yiddin also have succumbed to the hot shiksa Moabites with just food and wine? Or wine alone? Or just for cash? And since when does taking a good dump constitute idol worship?


Sanhedrin 64a says that there was once a gentile woman who was very ill, and who took the following vow: If this woman recovers from her illness, she will go and worship every idol in the world. She recovered, and proceeded to worship every idol in the world. When she came to Peor, she asked its priests: How is this one worshipped? Said they to her: One eats greens and drinks beer, and then one defecates before the idol. Said she: I’d rather that this woman return to her illness than worship an idol in such a manner.


Anyway, the Oisvorfer wasn’t there, neither were you but let’s go with the Gemora story of sex and idol worship: seemingly a number of Yiddin did both! As expected, the RBSO is not very happy and decides to dump the giferliche minuvullim who took part in the festivities; in fact before the plague is over, 24,000 exactly will be laid again, this time to rest. And how does the plague taka end? With this even more amazing story. Ober, this story will take us into next week’s parsha, so we’ll leave out the details and only tell you what happened before Pinchas the zealot stopped the plague.


Introducing Zimri: who’s he?  Zimri was the Nosi (prince) of Shayvet Shimon and the most prominent individual to take part in the midbar orgy. What did he do? Zimri brought a Midianite shiksa named Kosbi into the Camp of the Yiddin, had sex with her before The Assembly (read:  in public view).


So what really went down here besides the Moabite girls on the unsuspecting Yiddin? Seemingly, the Moabite and Midianite kings had learned they could defeat the Yiddin by turning them away from the RBSO, by tempting them to commit sexual sins, the oldest trick in the book. In fact so deep was the hatred for the Yiddin from the Midianites, that one of their chiefs recruited his own daughter into prostitution to lure the Yiddin into sin.  Says the Medrish Rabbah (2 1: 3) that this one chief (Tzur) aimed to seduce the Israelite leaders by using his daughter, Kosbi, to entice Zimri, a prince of the tribe of Shimoin. Rashi tells us that Kosbi and other young Midianite women seduced thousands of Yiddishe men into the worship of  their   god  Ba’al Peor by holding out the goodies, which avada the aroused participants wanted: sex sells.


With all that going on, this Zimri fellow brought a Midianite woman (Kosbi) to Moishe and asked if she was forbidden to him (for sexual relations). And he’s klerring  (thinking) azoy:  If Moishe tells me she’s forbidden, then I’ll remind him (Moishe) that his own wife Tzipoira is from the same place. Ober Moishe drew a blank; let’s not forget that he’s a shtikel older- maybe 120, and at that age one can easily forget such halochois and of course draw a blank, if you chap. As an aside, the Medrish tells us that Tzipoira converted making her mutir (permissible) to Moishe. Another medrish says that avada Moishe married Tzipoira before Matan Toirah and yet another says (not really) that because she was black and beautiful she didn’t have to be Jewish. Veyter: The halacho (law) of what to do in the case of Zimri and the Midianite woman was concealed from Moishe, so the  Yiddin resorted to crying (women do this trick ad ahyoim hazeh).  Zimri’s rationale: Efsher he wanted to show the Yiddin that there was no reason to go hunting for action at the Midianite/Moabite Bazaar where the co-habitation was an enticement, but came with avoidah zora to the Ba’al Pe’or. Maybe his intentions were pure?  Of course this topic is hotly debated, but we must move along. The bottom line: Bilam’s scheme to seduce Jewish men to avoidah zora by way of immorality and cohabitation with these women resulted in a death sentence for 24,000. Is anyone still alive to enter the land? Nu, can you blame the poor Yiddin? After waiting nearly 40 years to enter the Promised Land, seemingly they were easily distracted and were prepared to enter other territories, if you chap.


The Maharsha, through some calculation, proves that Zimri was at least 250 years old when he publicly ridiculed Moishe Rabaynu and showed up with this younger Midianite woman. Pretty impressive! One also has to wonder how Zimri was able to perform at 250. What happened next? When Pinchas, the son of Elazar, saw the public display of Zimri and Kosbi, he was mamish disgusted (wouldn’t you be if you chapped a 250 year old with a teen?) and told Moishe that he remembers the halocho (law). A person having sex with a shiksa is to be executed during the act (only if she’s ugly) but not before or after. Without seeking counsel, he took his spear and stabbed them in their respective male and female organs, a direct hit. In other words: while Zimri was mounted on Kosbi. Pinchas, who seemingly had but one spear, took aim, piercing them both in the genitalia; X marks the spot! Immediately thereafter, and after 24,000 died, the plague stopped. Only a real religion would share such information about its leaders: the Toirah is real!

Though this week’s Toirah is quite long, we need to look at one more astounding Medrish. Says the heylige Toirah: Behold, a man of the children of Israel came, and brought… a Midianite woman before the eyes of Moishe, and before the eyes of all the congregation of the children of Israel; and they stood weeping (25:6). Says the Medrish (Midrash Rabbah) quite an amazing pshat: The woman said to him: “I shall give myself to none but Moishe, for  so my father Bolok bade me, not to yield to anyone but to Moishe your master, because my father is a king.” Said he to her: “Behold, I am as great as he is! I shall bring you out before their eyes!” He seized her by her plait and brought her to Moishe. He said to him: “O son of Amram! Is this woman permitted or forbidden?” He answered him: “She is forbidden to you.” Said  Zimri to him: “The woman whom you married was a Midianitess!” Thereupon Moishe felt powerless and the law slipped from his mind.

In plain English then: the shiksa Zimri brought forth, was according to this Medrish, Bolok’s own daughter and she wanted to give herself, if you chap, only to Moishe. Zimri pled his case and told her that he was as great as Moishe. All Israel wailed aloud, as for it says, “And they stood weeping.” Why were they weeping. Nu, efsher we can klerr that after 40 years of valgering (wandering) in the Midbar and after seeing how the RBSO was not happy with their behavior over and again and as they were mamish camped by the Jordan to cross over into the Promised Land , they succumbed once again: this time it was sex plus avoido zoro, good reason to cry.

Oh and what happened to Bilam? Bilam was killed by Yiddin during the battle of Midyan prior to their entering the land. Says the Medrish (Matois 31:8 Rashi and Targum Yonoson  Ben Uziel):  when the Yiddin captured Bilam, he used sorcery  to raise himself and the five kings of Midyan high in the air and disappear from sight. Though the powers of impurity can only be summoned while standing on the ground, once the sorcery is initiated, the subject could use the powers to levitate off the ground for a period of time. Shoin. Thousands of years later, books and movies based on this subject made J.K. Rowling a multimillionaire: yet another gisheft (enterprise) born right here in this week’s Parsha. Pinchas, the grandson of Aharoin, flew after him by uttering the divine name or, according to others, by directing the name of  the RBSO written on the tzitz(frontlet) of the koihen godol towards the airborne Midyanites counteracting Bilam’s powers of magic. Bilam and the kings immediately fell to the ground and were then easily killed by the Yiddin. Bilam’s decaying body and tarnished soul transformed into evil spirits, snakes and scorpions, the result of the impurity with which they had been saturated during his lifetime, or so says the Sefer Kav Hayoshor (Ch 28). Harry Potter anyone?


A gitten shabbis-


The Oisvorfer Ruv

Yitz Grossman

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