Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Bihaloischo 2012

Raboyseyee and Raboyseyettes:

Matzo anyone?

Nu, in this week’s parsha of Behaloischo, the heylige Toirah is still quite new and fresh: mamish just about one year old and still hot off the presses. Unfortunately, and as we will learn, the Yiddin are also fresh, to the RBSO and He’s not very tzifridin (pleased) with them.  At least some of the events of our Parsha, specifically Chapter 9, take place one year mamish following Yitzyas Mitzrayim (post exodus), in Nisan of 2449  when the many miracles they were witness to and part of, should still have been fully emblazoned in their memory banks. Oy vey, I wish I had better news to report but as you’ll hear this coming shabbis when many shuls are celebrating their graduates, including the Oisvorfer’s own son Jonathan, from various colleges and schools, the Yiddin are up to no good. Sadly, this less than admirable behavior will become the norm for the next few shabosim, and avada you’ll want to stay tuned to the adventures and travails of the Yiddin as they trek through the midbar for another 39 years. Avada and to no one’s surprise, the RBSO gets really upset, and by now we all know what the RBSO is capable of when not so happy, even with his own kinderlach.

Though the Yiddin have been in trouble both before and after the cheyt Hoegel (sin of the golden calf), it’s in this  week’s parsha and in the  coming weeks, that the real mischief begins and we find them going from one disaster to another, each of their own making. Are we a grateful bunch or what? Coming attractions include the  meraglim (spies) and  the wood chopper on Shabbos meyseh. They’re  featured next week,  only to be followed in  two weeks by Koirach’s  rebellion, Moishe abusing his shteken in the famous  ‘hitting of the rock’ incident which resulted in the cancellation of his Visa into  the promised land. And of course you won’t want to miss later events as the Yiddin, some of them anyway, got involved with the hot shiksa midianite and other meydlich while also succumbing to some avoido zoro (idol worship) nuch der tzi (to boot). Nu, is it a wonder the RBSO picked us from all other umois ho’oilom (nations of the world)? Can you even imagine what they were up to?

But first, lots going on in our parsha as well, including the two famous upside down nunns –each worth 500-1000 points for  those who played the chumish game in shul instead of davening -altz kinder – (as kids), the lighting of the menoira, putting the liviyim to work for all of 20 years before mandatory retirement, the introduction of Pesach Sheni for those that were for some reason impure during the real Pesach, the Yiddin complaining about their midbar menu, Moishe asks his shver (father-in-law), Yisroi to travel with him and the Yiddin, Yisroi having seen enough, refuses and returns to Midian. the appointment of 70 lay leaders into positions of higher authority, meeting Eldad &Meydad (maybe (efsher)  Moishe’s half brothers) and to top it all off, some loishon horo event relating to Moishe’s tiinkele eishes chayil (black wife) that has Miriam, Moishe and Aharoin’s only shvester (sister) secluded from the camp while she heals from her punishment of Tzora’as meted out by the RBSO himself. Shoin and there you have it, the parsha roundup in one short paragraph. A gitten shabbis. Just kidding of course, the Oisvorfer chaps how his followers love reading his heylige thoughts and insights into the  parsha. Nu, lommer unfangin (let’s then begin)  by selecting a topic or two, for further discussion. Last year we dug a bissel tiffer (dug deeper) into Moishe and his shvartze eishes chayil (the black wife)  and tried to chap whether or not Moishe had and was mamish married to a tinkele or not. Nu, time permitting, we’ll peek in on them, if not, you can check out the archives at www.oisvorfer.com. Let’s talk about the Yiddin and their growing pains as a nation during their midbar travels just a year and change  out of an extended period of slavery.

Are you efsher maybe in the mood for some more matzo without the hassles of cleaning the house, spending a small fortune to buy kosher for Pesach products at inflated prices, efsher packing to go away and selling your chometz to the goy through the Rabbi? You are? Welcome to Pesach Sheyni. Pesach Sheyni, (the second Passover), which occurs yearly on the 14th day of Iyar, the second month of the Hebrew calendar is a  make-up date for individuals who were tomei, (unclean) and I don’t mean because they didn’t shower if you chap, or traveling during Pesach, the real one.  What does tomei mean?  Nu, soon we’ll find out   Let’s examine this very quiet Yom Tov that no one talks about though it’s mamish real and right here in the heylige Toirah, in our Parsha, and still celebrated today in our times. What is it, how did it come about, who partook, what happened to it? Nu, lommer lerrnin.

Ershtens: just so you know a little something, before people started traveling  to far off places for Pesach including the Midbars of Arizona and Nevada, there was one previous and historic Pesach, also celebrated in the Midbar: it was the first and only Pesach that would be celebrated in the wilderness. Ober what happened to those that couldn’t make it, couldn’t celebrate, ran out of matzo, forgot to sell their chometz, couldn’t find a goy in the midbar who would buy their chometz and return it 30 minutes or so after Yom Tov and those who got lost on jeep tours of the Judean hills? Nu, the RBSO in His magnificence is all about second chances – thank the good Lord- and gave them and us Pesach sheyni (a second Pesach) and instructions on its observance. And it’s all found in this week’s parsha, givaldig mamish. In other words: it’s a make-up holiday and mitzvah. The emes is that there were a few individuals in this week’s Parsha that couldn’t bring their korban Pesach offering, they complained to Moishe, he sought help from the RBSO who gave us Pesach Sheyni.  Veyter!

Bikitzur (in short): Anyone who did not bring a Pesach offering, whether because of impurity or even because he had willfully transgressed the RBSO’s will, was thus given the opportunity to compensate for his shortcoming and long – comings, if you chap, by bringing a Korban (offering) on Pesach Sheyni. This gave everyone the ability, late though it may be, to rejoin the community of the Yiddin through his own personal teshuva (repentance). Bazman Hazeh (in our times), because the Yiddin did a few too many other avayrois (sins), the RBSO got upset, destroyed the second Beis Hamkidash (second temple), thereby eliminating the ritual of korbonois, and we mark and commemorate Pesach Sheyni by eating matzoh. This is avada also givaldige news for the many matzo manufactures who are left with overstock and cannot sell them on ebay. The emes is they could, ober for these Yiddin, its cash and carry only.  Veyter.

Says the heylige Toirah: (Bamidbar 9):There were, however, certain persons who had become ritually impure through contact with a dead body and therefore could not prepare the Pesach offering on that day. They approached Moishe and Aaron … and they said: “…Why should we be deprived, and not be able to present the RBSO’s  offering in its time, amongst the children of Israel?”  And Moishe said to them: “Wait here, and I will hear what the RBSO will command concerning you. And the RBSO spoke to Moishe, saying: “Speak to the children of Israel, saying: Any person who is contaminated by death, or is on a distant road, whether among you now or in future generations, shall prepare a Pesach offering to the RBSO. They shall prepare it on the afternoon of the fourteenth day of the second month, and shall eat it with matzahs and bitter herbs….”Let’s learn the heylige Gemora.

Our Rabbis taught (Pesochim 93a): The following keep the second [Pesach]: zovin and zovois, male lepers and female lepers, niddas and those who had intercourse with a niddah (oy vey), and women after confinement, those who [do not observe the first Pesach] inadvertently, and those who are forcibly prevented, and those who [neglect it] deliberately, and he who is unclean, and he who was in ‘a journey afar off’. Seemingly, everyone gets a second chance, even chazeriim who partook from the Afikoimon when they shouldn’t have, if you chap- which they did. Secondly: somehow, no matter the topic, epes someone somewhere is having or discussing intercourse. Why, ver veyst.

And in case you’re wondering what a zuv or zovois are, nu, I’ll tell you. A zuv is one who experiences a particular sort of urethral emission and in case you’re wondering what type and mistama you are because you want to find out if you qualify for Pesach Sheyni matzoh, I’ll tell you as well. And since you asked….a zuv is one (male) that is contaminated  through discharge of an emission known as ziva (aka: semen) and one who has two discharges in one day, (besides being quite pleased with himself) and until he goes through the purification process which also includes a dip in the mikveh (where he can come in contact with other such emissions, if you chap), is known as a zuv. He’s also a zuv if he has but one emission on two consecutive days. And now in plain English: one is a zuv if he has two seminal emissions in one day and avada that would qualify many high school and other bucherim and of course those involved in other chapping where they shouldn’t  for Pesach Sheyni. Nu, one can easily see how Pesach Sheyni was also a burgeoning gisheft (business) Finally: a female with discharges is known as a zuvo. Shoin!

Mistama you’re thinking to yourselves…hey- this Pesach Sheyni sounds pretty easy and it is, however the RBSO commanded us and wants us to observe Peasch on time and avada as you know, it’s a good idea to be on His good side.  What are the differences between the first and the second Pesach? Says Rashi (Bamidbar 9:10):  on the first, we must avada not eat, see or even enjoy Chometz  (leaven), nor can it be found; in other words- no hide and seek with the chometz like you do with the salami, if you chap. Ober on the Pesach Sheyni, we may have leavened and unleavened bread and products in the house, though avada the korban should be eaten separately.  On Pesach #1 we recite the Hallel, both override the heylige shabbis, and the biggest difference is that Pesach Rishon lasts is  seven days long as compared to Pesach Sheyni which is celebrated for one day only.

And to emphasize the importance of Pesach Sheni,  says Rashi something mamish  so givaldig: if a person is for whatever reason disqualified from participating in Pesach festivities due to his  impurities, and looks around  and sees that there is no one else who is Tomei – he’s the only one- nebech, he should, in order to have  partner in bringing and eating the Pesach offering,  make someone else Tomei. Nu, es lut zich reddin (stands to reason) that many yiddin avada loved this idea and mistama found interesting and innovative ways of making their partner Tomei,  if you chap.

Shoin, we’re up to Shishi and we pick up the action as the Yiddin are moving about the Midbar. We’ll also move on and discuss the Yiddin’s diet of Mun (manna from heaven), their complaints and the bruch (disaster) they caused by complaining bitterly when they should have instead been grateful to the RBSO for providing sustenance while in the midbar. Though you likely remember little form all your years in Yeshiva, arois givorfine gelt mamish (money in the toilet- mamish), mistama you do remember learning that the RBSO in His magnificence knew that Yiddin love to eat, and often, and since it was a midbar without hotels and eateries, He provided a daily dose of Mun which the Yiddin enjoyed for 40 years. Each person got the right amount for his frame, no one was hungry. Is that what happened? Did they really enjoy the free Mun that fell and which they collected daily? Seemingly not, and in our Parsha (11:6), we read how a group of them started crying and asking for a menu change. “…We have nothing before our eyes but the mun!” Are these the same Yiddin that were witness to a series of miracles mamish? Indeed they are, at least for now, though over the next 38-39 years, they won’t be: they all die or get killed.


Say the heylige Toirah (Bamidbar 11:4-5) “But the multitude among them began to have strong cravings. Then even the children of Israel once again began to cry, and they said, Who will feed us meat? We remember the fish that we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic.”  Avada you must be quite bewildered by this entire mayseh and after all isn’t the entire Pesach a celebration of our freedom from slavery? Wasn’t the slavery and the suffering so giferlich in Mitzrayim for those 210 years? Isn’t the entire seder and its minhogim (customs) of dipping, drinking and other strange things we do at the seder, all to remember how we suffered and how the RBSO redeemed us from that hell hole? Is there any other reason to double dip, to eat morror with and without charoses or to have a seder or two –yikes- with mishpocho members  we abhor mamish and bad mouth constantly, that move in for the entire Yom Tov? What’s pshat here? Do we notdip the karpas in saltwater and eat morror specifically to recall the bitter lives of the exile at that point in time. Indeed we do; we love dipping, even double. Are these the same Yiddin that are complaining one year later to Moishe in the Midbar that they recall the good old days in Mitzrayim when they ate from an expanded menu of cucumbers, watermelons, leeks, onions garlic, fish and meat and all free of charge? Were these Yiddin affected by sunstroke in the midbar? Were they epes delusional? What’s pshat here?


Are we supposed to believe that the same Mitzrim bastards that threw baby boys into the river, withheld basic building materials, beat the Yiddin and otherwise made their lives gifelrich, were so overly generous when it came to chow time. They offered the Yiddin such delicacies as meat and fish? Moreover, weren’t we taught that the Mun was magic food, that it tasted like anything the person eating it desired.


Ober says Rashi quoting the Medrish that the Yiddin weren’t at all complaining about their lack of meat and other food items. The plot thickens, it’s a shtikel more sinister, loi olaynu- than meets the eye, say it’s not so please. Suggests Rashi: that what the Yiddin really wanted was taka meat ober not the kind you buy off the shelf; they wanted a ‘piece of meat’, ‘other meat’, if you chap. Seemingly he is referring to the hot shiksa Mitzri ladies that might have been available to them after hours, if you chap, which seemingly they did from time to time. 210 years worth. Seemingly the Yiddin recalled dipping and double dipping and now with the heylige Toirah in their hands, that  ’other meat’ became trief, if you chap, which I see you do. They Yiddin had tayvois (desires) for other zachen (things) they enjoyed before the Toirah came down, they felt a shtikel restricted and wanted real freedom. Seemingly, they felt constricted by the their new obligations and mitzvois, the commandments were epes a shtikel much after enjoying a looser life style in Mitzrayim. You hear this? Ring familiar? Oy vey!


Says Rashi, and who knew better, that in one important respect, slavery in Mitzrayim was “free” in comparison to life in the desert. The Mun that the RBSO provided came with certain “strings attached” – the Yiddin were simultaneously expected to perform mitzvois; seemingly the food and other zachin like dessert, if you chap, were free in Mitzrayim. Seemingly, laying bricks wasn’t all they were doing, if you chap. What could be bad? Maybe their lives were also guilt free before matan Toirah. Therefore, says Rashi, the Yiddin’s use of the word “free” refers to their desire to be “free” from doing mitzvahs. Mamish a broch (disaster)!

Ober could it be that that the Yiddin preferred eating fish amidst harsh slavery, rather than observing mitzvahs in total freedom – and eating the miraculous Mun – which could, with just a thought, obviously also taste like fish? Were the mitzrim serving Sushi? Ver veyst.

Finally, when did the magic Mun start falling? What if anything did the Yiddin eat before Mun? Taka many of you never thought about this ober leave to the Oisvorfer to fill in the blanks so that you can focus on learning epes some new Toirah likovid shabbis.  Let’s see:

Efsher you remember the reason we eat matzo on Pesach? Avada you do, and it’s because the Yiddin were too busy stealing..err I meant permanently borrowing gold and silver from the Mitzrim and there was no time for the dough to rise. Shoin, the matzo was born and is here ad hayoim hazeh and we taka love matzo unless we’re forced to eat it.

Says the Chasam Soifer (now a Yeshiva and one the Oisvorfer attended some time back, albeit briefly):  that it was on the 18th of Iyar(Lag B’Oimer) that the Mun began to fall. This is based on the idea that the matzo that we brought out of Mitzrayim  lasted until the 14th day  of Iyar which marks the 14th of Iyar as the end of the Pesach time frame, hence its choice by the RBSO for Pesach Shayni.  Nu, do you appreciate how we tied together Pesach Sheni and the Mun: gishmak mamish. Shoin another excellent job by the Oisvorfer!

What happened after the 14th? Seemingly, according to him, the people went hungry for three days the 15th, 16th, and 17th of Iyar and this was the cause of their complaint.  What to do? The RBSO gave them the Mun on the 18th. This adds to the celebratory nature of Lag B’Oimer. Settled? Not so fast, and says the Ba’al Haturim:  The matzo that the Yiddin brought with them was finished by Pesach Shayni. The following day, the mun fell for the first time. Pesach Shayni thus commemorates the conclusion of the matzo from Mitzrayim and the beginning of the miracle of the mun.

Why didn’t the enterprising Yiddin open a slew of kosher restaurants and other food eateries in the Midbar just like they do in the Five Towns and every other neighborhood where they can kill each other with competition? Would that not have solved their food issues? Ver veyst. Or, were they unable to because the  Vaad had yet to be established and at that time, the newly inspired Yiddin, were still afraid of violating another mitzvah in the heylige Toirah: Hasogas givul (loosely translated- screwing your neighbor by opening a food establishment immediately adjacent to his). Likely that was the case.

A gitten shabbis

Yitz Grossman

The Oisvorfer

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