Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Ki Saytzei 2015: Review or New

downloadRaboyseyee and Ladies:

Review or New?

Just the other day while shpatzering (walking) with a chaver and while we were schmoozing about what men at times talk to each other about -our wives- mamish out of left field, he asked the following kasha (question): Is it a bigger avayro to sleep with a shiksa, or, is it worse in the eyes of the RBSO, for a Jewish person to sleep with a Jewish girl that may still be a nidah (in, or just past her cycle but before dipping into the mikveh)? We argued this back and forth. Grada (so happens), we were just passing left field when he asked the kasha and it so happens that Parshas Ki Saytzei (Ki Taytzei for the modernishe) which we will read this coming week, leads off with a mind boggling discussion about when, and under which conditions, a Jewish person may taka chap from a hot beautiful shiksa. One thing is certain: There is absolutely no permission to chap from an ugly shiksa no matter the circumstances. Avada we have covered this topic in the past and mistama we will again in the future; oisvorfs enjoy chazora on this particular sugya (topic) and avada you should feel free to check out the archives at www.oisvorfer.com.

Nu, in advance of the upcoming parsha where the Oisvorfer may say a few words to his captive audience, if you chap, and following a visit with his son, he picked up his Chumish and started a thorough review of the parsha. Ober during chazoro of Ki Saytzei which contains a whopping 74 new mitzvis, the following question was on his mind and efsher you were klerring the same. How is it shayich (possible) that Sefer Devorim is kimat universally known as Mishne Toirah, meaning a review of the previous four books, when in reality, Devorim (Deuteronomy) teaches us over 100 new commandments of which 74, or greater than 10%, as mentioned mamish above, are brand new? Is it a review or is it new? What’s taka pshat? Taka, where would mankind be if we weren’t taught as we are this week, about the poor man married to two women but hates one of them? And how would man bazman hazeh (in our times) survive were we not taught about the man married to but one wife but hates her mamish? Isn’t this a myseh b’chol yoim (daily occurrence)?

We must avada thank the RBSO who in the final days of Moishe’s life and in the final chapters of the gantze Toirah kula, sent down these new practical laws. How else would we know how to deal with a woman who while attempting to save her husband who was under attack (from his own brother mamish), chapped the attacker by his beytzem (privates)? How would we know that according to some but zicher not all, we are to cut her hand off. The heylige Toirah mamish discusses the case of a woman who chaps someone’s privates? Indeed it does and you can find it in our parsha. And it’s taka the case, that despite her good intentions, she may lose a hand. Does she lose the hand that chapped the beytzem or the other hand, ver veyst?

Though it’s late August and few are in the mood for shul or parsha, Ki Saytzei is a must-read. Where else but in the RBSO’s heylige Toirah can one find discussions that range from uncontrollable lust, rape, prostitution, seminal emissions, cross dressing, attempted castration and much more, to a whore’s wages and dogs? Shoin: Avada you can find these in a shmutziga magazine that mistama many of you have seen, say it’s not so. Ober we’re talking Toirah, the RBSO’s Toirah: It’s all here. It’s taka a lot to swallow, if you chap, ober we can kler that the RBSO – as He always does- had a master plan. Efsher He was klerring azoy: How will I get the Yiddin to focus and learn My heylige Toirah especially now in the summer months? Why would they want to read Ki Saytzei this week when all eyes are glued to CNBC to follow the futures, the equities markets and to see if China is still in collapse mode? How will I teach 74 new mitzvis in one week? Ober the RBSO is avada more than a genius and chapped that mankind are but humans, and usually, less! He led off the parsha with the case of a man on the battlefield and very surprisingly gave the soldier the absolute right to chap a hot beautiful shiksa and have his way with her right there oifen platz (on the spot). And He allowed this chapping to take place though the chapper is married and even if he is a koihen. Don’t koihanim also have urges? And He allowed the soldiers to chap the chapee even when she is married. Vus-gyyt- du-fur (what’s taka pshat here)? And the RBSO also avada knew that were He to give this special permission, that people would want to delve further, they usually do, if you chap. And as a result of this special dispensation, a perk mamish for the soldier -mamish a pick-me-up, if you chap- that Rashi, the heylige Gemora and so many others, would be pontificating and spilling much ink discussing this breaking news while the soldier was also spilling, if you chap. Moreover, such a law would avada make one want to read the entire parsha to see what other perks and goodies the RBSO had in mind. And taka, following that topic, He loaded the parsha with over 70 more interesting commandments which as we mentioned above, also include emissions, rape and attempted castration. In the end, the plan worked: everyone loves Ki Saytzei and as a result, Yihoishua (Joshua), General Pinchas, and leaders that followed, seemingly never had a problem getting people to enlist.

1st yrKi Saytzei will also teach us that not everyone could enlist; some were seemingly either disqualified or given a pass. We will learn that a newlywed need not serve as he has an obligation to be home with his eishes chayil and to gladden her, if you chap. The heylige Toirah is teaching us a new law, that of the ‘shono rishoina’ (first year of marriage) exemption. We are taught that a man mamish has obligation, during the first year of his marriage to gladden his wife. How does one gladden his wife, what’s pshat? And does the eishes chayil (wife) have similar obligations towards her husband? Must she go out of her way to similarly gladden him? Seemingly not! At least not according to the Toirah ober thankfully, Moishe also came down with the oral tradition -the Toirah she-baal-peh- which proclaims and rules that avada and avada, the wife must gladden her man. And if not…he may divorce her. Why so many remain married despite gross violations of this rule, ver veyst? Sadly many taka don’t and efsher we can kler by darshining from similar topics, by using the concept of ‘simuchin’, one that we explained in previous postings, that her not gladdening her husband, could lead to him hating her be she the second or even the first wife. And what taka happens if he married two wives? Does he get a year of his military service for each?

Shoin, lommer taka chazerin (let’s review) a topic we first discussed in 2012. Says the heylige Toirah (Devorim 24:5) azoy: “When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married.” It appears from the Toirah that the man mamish has the obligation, a very specific duty to make his eishes chayil happy and avada we don’t mean with jewelry. It’s epes mashma (appears) that he must use his jewels to deliver some happiness. After year one, it’s kula-alma-loi-plikgi (no one would argue) that most women would prefer real jewelry. Absent of that, her jewels, if you chap, may be off limits.

Ober why was the newlywed taka exempted from war games? Lets see what some had to say. Says the Sefer Hachinuch azoy: This exemption was given in order to accustom ones’ nature with her, until all actions of other women and anything involving them, will seem foreign to his nature. Did you hear that? The Chinuch chapped that men are chazerim, have been around the block, or in the car, with other women before they got married and have vivid recall. The man comes with some experience and this mitzvah was given so that the man could stop thinking about previous experiences and focus and maybe fall in love with his wife while he is gladdening her and she him. The obligation on the man is meant to solidify and harden, if you chap, the relationship between the husband and wife and for them to forget all lingering images, if you chap, from previous relationships. Mamish practical advice and gishmak pshat.

Ober said the Chasam Soifer so gishmak, azoy: “He may not go into the army because since his mind is on his new wife, he will not fight from his heart and soul, for half his being is at home; how can he fight with half a being?” In other words, azoy: The exemption was given to better serve the army and not him. “Drafting a new groom into military service who concentrates more on his bride than on the critical tasks at hand, could result in a military catastrophe.” His gun could misfire, if you chap. The newlywed is supposed to remain focused on his little soldier whose job it is to penetrate behind enemy lines, if you chap.

And says the Netziz azoy: The ‘shono rishoina’ exemption is not a prohibition or an obligation, rather it’s an exemption from military service granted to the groom. The heylige Toirah allows a newlywed husband to remain home with his wife during the first year of marriage while the rest of the nation is at war.

Shoin, since we’re talking about gladdening and obligations and since we mentioned that it appears that women do not have such obligations- at least none mentioned specifically in the heylige Toirah- let’s close with a logical follow up topic. What taka happens when a woman won’t gladden her man? Nu, sadly some will resort to their local service provider, if you chap and visit with a zoina (a whore). And the heylige Toirah chapped that possibility and was worried. Not about the man chapping but what the zoina might do with her wages and tips. Let’s close with this amazing posik.

Says the heylige Toirah (Devorim 23:9) azoy: “You shall not bring a prostitute’s fee or the price of a dog to the House of the Lord, your G-d for any vow, because both of them are an abomination to the Lord, your G-d.” Ober vus-meynt-dus (what the hec does that mean)? Why is the heylige Toirah talking about dogs and prostitutes in the same sentence? Nu, let’s learn pshat in these words.

Seemingly there is a prohibition against ‘esnan zoinah’ meaning azoy. An animal used as payment for prostitution services may not be used for a korban (sacrifice). Efsher you’re klerring azoy: Which sick and demented vilde chaya puppy would have the temerity (chutzpah) to consider bringing this dog as a korban? By remaining silent about the Yid going to the zoina, it’s epes mashma (appears) that the heylige Toirah wasn’t too concerned about his behavior. And paying for such service is seemingly also not too giferlich. What is giferlich is how she uses her payments and that is the subject of the Toirah’s command. Ober, isn’t it quite poshit and clearly understood that using the whores wages as a korban could upset the RBSO? And isn’t it quite poshit that the uses of the harlots wages as a korban renders the animal unfit to be considered for a korban? And who brings a dog as a korban anyway? Taka says the Rambam (Moireh Nivuvhim 3:48) azoy: Using such an animal for sacrificial worship could result in an irreverent attitude towards the sanctity of the rituals: no kidding! And says the Chinuch (57:1): The use of this animal undermines the very purpose behind korbonis. Sacrifices are meant to bring one to spiritual purification; the association of this animal to prostitution threatens to contaminate the penitent’s mind and heart just as he seeks to purge them of impurities.

And says the RambaN azoy: Recognizing the ungodly nature of their work, prostitutes would regularly allocate some of their profits for sacrificial use in an attempt to atone for their wrongdoing. The heylige Toirah therefore forbids designating the payment for use as a korban as a means of further discouraging harlotry. In other words: When visiting the local zoina, only cash should be used. Cash seems to be fungible and can be used to buy a korban. Ober b’shas hadchak (in an emergency), when one had in mind to get but a massage only, but something happened along the way and the massage somehow ended with a happy ending, if you chap, a credit card is also ok if the person didn’t have enough cash on his person.

A gittin Shabbis-

Yitz Grossman

The Oisvorfer Ruv

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