Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Bereishis – Noiach Combo 2014: The First and Second Modern Families


Lots of shout-outs, here we go.

Mazel tov to Rabbi Avi and his Eishes chayil Sara Miller, he the very able assistant rabbi at Beth Sholom upon the birth of their first child. The sholom zochor will be held at the shul 8:30PM tomorrow evening and the bris on shabbis (afternoon); all are invited, why not? Mazel tov to all the grandparents, and given the young age of the parents, mistama also to the very happy great grandparents.

Mazel tov to Fani and Jonathan Mael, proud parents for the very first time  upon the birth last week and the bris earlier this morning of Leo Mael. Welcome to the world! Mazel tov as well to Drs. Suzanne and Barry Rozenberg and to Lynn and Joel Mael, for the Maels, their first grandchild. And a special mazel to the great- grandparents on both sides. It’s always good to shout out great grandparents. 

Mazel tov to the Klars, Sandy and Ed,  on the birth of yet another granddaughter, this one born to their children Jordana and Gedalia Kleinkaufman over in Waterbury Ct. Jordana and Gedalia graciously hosted the Oisvorfer and eishes chayil for a shabbis; we thank you again. Ten years ago this shabbis, parshas Noiach, mazel tov wishes were extended to Zachary Grossman upon his bar mitzvah. Happy bar mitzvah anniversary Zachary and a very happy first anniversary to Ariella and Zachary, the Oisvorfer’s children.

Happy bar mitzvah anniversary to Jacob Isaacs, son of Dena and Ben Isaacs; he was shouted out last parshas Noiach.

Raboyseyee and Ladies:

The first and second Modern Families:

We start this week by meeting Odom and Chava (Adam and Eve) and their kinderlach. Hey, wasn’t that last week’s parsha? It was.  Indeed this week, we’ll be reading parshas Noiach and certainly you wouldn’t want to miss this givaldige myseh, efsher the best ever since Gilligan’s Island and our yearly shout-out to Gilligan, the Professor, Ginger and even Marianne. Ober because of the three day Yom Tov/shabbis combo, the Oisvorfer didn’t have an opportunity to share a few quite amazing Gemoras and medroshim on this more than eye opening parsha. And before we peek in on Noaich, as did one of his sons, chazir minuvil that he was, as we will soon learn, let’s quickly review a few highlights from parshas Bireishis. Believe me, you’ll be thankful, also enlightened.

The good news: we won’t be seeing any 3 day Yom Tov/shabbis combos in 2015 or 2016 but will have a three day combo on Sukkis of 2017; you can book your flights to Israel now. Of course the Moshiach could arrive by then and confirm that Rosh Choidesh is but one day and that all holidays, besides Rosh Hashono, are to be celebrated on but one day. Of course, the various butchers, matzo makers, bakers and other vendors, won’t be happy and will likely challenge his credentials.

Bikitzur (in short), this is what you missed. In six days mamish, and from nothing mamish, the RBSO created the world and everything in it; man included. Man was created on the 6th day. Seemingly, so was his wife Chava only they were somehow attached. How and where they were attached, who was in front, ver veyst and is of course a topic discussed in the heylige Gemora (Eruvin 18b) and myriad other places. Were they really attached? Depends on who you ask and already in Bireishis, few agree on anything including the month  Odom (Adam) was born. Some say he was born in the month of Nissan, others in the month of Tishrei. What’s the difference? No much. Most agree that he also sinned on that very first day; shreklich mamish. Most of you don’t turn bad until your teens. Might you be bigger tzadikim than was Odom? Maybe!

In any event, Odom and Chava begot two boys- Kayin and Hevel. Of course the world wasn’t big enough for the two of them and Kayin killed Hevel making him the first ever person guilty of either murder, or, as one rabbi suggested at the chumish class this past shabbis, mistama guilty of only manslaughter. Seemingly it wasn’t premeditated; mamish a tzadik! And es ken taka zeyn (could taka be) and that’s why the RBSO let him live, ver veyst.  Whom did these two boys most resemble? Their mother efsher? Perhaps the father?  Did Kayin efsher look like Chava and Hevel more like Odom or efsher farkert (opposite)? Ver veyst but one medrish and some Gemora will tell us that perhaps they looked like neither. One theory suggests that they did not look at all like humans. Not human or only partially human, is that possible? Shreklich and how could that be? Was Kayin the first ET? Read on….but first….

Bireishis also featured Lemach. Though the word Lemach is used pejoratively more often than not and is more typically associated with a schlemazal or schlemiel, this Lemach, seemingly the first ever with that name, was anything but. Says the heylige Toirah (Bireishis 4:19) that Lemach had not one but two wives. Why would a person want two wives? Says Rashi azoy: this was the custom of the generation of the Mabul (flood): one wife was for childbearing and the other was his sex toy. More accurately quoted, Rashi says she was for sexual relations only. Shoin! Later generations would figure out that there was no need to marry a second wife just to have pleasure; such toys could be found outside the home. This model was seemingly somewhat less expensive and a whole lot less aggravating. Shoin, the latter model seems to be working fine ad hayoim hazeh (until today).

Oy vey- we left you hanging on how it was at all possible or conceivable that Odom and Chava gave birth to two children that efsher did not resemble humans.  Let’s go veyter with that story, let’s meet the Nochosh (snake). He will make several appearances in the heylige Toirah and is almost always associated with some mischief. ….Seemingly, the snake, even in real life, is the root of many problems. Of course you all recall how the nochosh (snake) seduced Chava (Eve) into eating the forbidden fruit. A few midroshim, will teach us that the Nochosh, still with legs and walking upright at the time, came upon Odom and Chava- both naked at the time- while Odom was enjoying Chava’s fruits, if you chap. Poshit giredt (plain and simple), the snake happened upon them during intimacy. What else was there to do? The slithery minuvil of a snake became insanely jealous and wanted Chava too. We will learn that he taka had his way with Chava, if you chap. Shoin, Chava had fruit, seemingly so did the nochosh, chazir minuvil that he was.

Soon enough, Odom, who folded like a cheap suit, Chava and the snake, were all found out. Odom of course blamed his wife, a model used by many husbands ad hayoim hazeh, but the RBSO wasn’t impressed. He was not at all happy with their collective behavior; all three protagonists were severely punished.  This part you all knew ober what happed next?  130 years later, as mamish told to us in the heylige Toirah, Odom and Chava gave birth to another baby boy, this one named Shase (Seth).  Let’s read the words of the heylige Toirah:  “And Odom live 130 years, and he begot in his likeness after his image, and he named him Shase (Seth).  Our rabbis of old were very struck by this wording; it called out for further elucidation. Did the heylige Toirah use similar language to describe the birth of Kayin and Hevel? It does not! Were they not born in the image of either their mother or father or both? Of course this peculiarity led to some debate as to why Shase was born looking like his parents and the others, maybe not so much or not at all.

One medrish will tell us that when and while the Nochosh was enjoying Chava’s fruits, if you chap, he left her some of his seed, shreklich as that may sound. Efsher the original version of snake-oil, ver veyst (drum roll!).  Seemingly some of that seed may have also gotten mixed up with other seed (from her husband) and shoin. It is posited therefore that efsher Kayin and Hevel looked more like animals than they did human. Efsher you’re thinking…hey, I didn’t learn that in yeshiva and taka you would be correct.  However the Oisviorfer is only repeating what he read from credible sources; the theory has legs as did the snake back then.

And if that boggles the mind, wait until you read what happened 130 years later. We learned above that 130 years would pass before Odom and Chava gave birth to Shase. What were Odom and Chava doing for 130 years? Were they enjoying each other’s company but like most marriages after a number of years, being celibate? Or, efsher farkert, they decided to enjoy each other’s company without having additional children.  In any event, 130 years is quite a long time between births. Was Odom chapping and using protection? Or was he off fruit for 130 years? Bottom line: none of you should be complaining about going fruitless, if you chap, for days, weeks, and even months……think Odom!

Ober, listen to this bombshell of a pshat mamish. Zicher what you’re about to read was not taught in yeshiva but it would appear that Steven Spielberg and others did in fact study the medrish and thought it would make a good screenplay. Lommer lernin.

Shoin, to chap what could possibly have gone down during these 130 years, we need to learn the heylige Gemora (Eruvin 18b) which tells us azoy: Reb Yirmiya ben Elazar said – during all the years that Odom was under a ban (maybe self-imposed) for having eaten forbidden fruit, he (still somehow) fathered evil spirits, demons spirits, and nocturnal phantoms- whatever those are.  And how do we know this to be emes? Because the posik tells us when Odom had lived 130 years (following the incident), he begot a child (Shase) in his likeness and his image. And from here (still quoting the heylige Gemora) we imply that he (during the 130 years) begot creatures that were not in his image. Shoin: there you go!

In other words: his first two kids, Kayin and Hevel may have been more animal than human and during the 130 year period following the original sin, he may have fathered other creatures as well. Ober…..vi iz dus myglich (how is it all possible) that a man who was in the freezer, so to speak, could have fathered anything, let alone some form of extraterrestrial? Ober says the Gemora azoy: seemingly these spirits and demons were created by spilled emissions, if you chap, which zicher you do- chazir that you are. Is this mamish a pshat? Yes! Even the Gemora was perplexed by this oddity and explains, in response to a question, how this could have taken place. What taka happened? The Gemora will explain that his semen was spilled involuntarily and zicher you can all relate to this. And taka everyone chaps that even a few days without can back up the systems; can you imagine what 120 years can do to a person’s plumbing? In any event, now you know why many of you are so haunted, if you chap.

Lest you think this is all narishkeyt (bs), the stuff Steven Spielberg dreamt up many years ago, said Rav Sherira Gaon (as quoted by no lesser a person than the Radak, whoever that was and the Rambam (Guide 1:7), azoy:  the beings engendered by Odom were deformed and evil; half man and half animal. The anthropoid mammal is considered a degenerate creature brought into this world by perverted human beings during the immoral and decadent generations of Enosh and the Tower of Bavel (Sanhedrin 109a). And says the Zoihar and who knew more, azoy: the ape was begotten by acts of bestiality committed by no lesser a person that Kayin (Cain).

Shoin, more on the first modern family next year. Let’s meet the Noaichs. The first thing we learn about Noaich is that the RBSO liked him; the last few words of last week’s parsha tell us azoy: ”And Noiach found favor in the RBSO’s eyes.” Not just was Noiach handpicked to be saved among a generation of degenerates mamish, people whose behavior was so shlecht (bad), even oisvorfs like many of you might be startled by their hasogis (imagination), but he was also the first person to get a parsha named after himself. Not too shabby for a guy the Toirah will later refer to as “Ish Adomo”  a man of the earth because immediately or soon after leaving the teyvo (ark), he planted a vineyard, became inebriated, uncovered himself, and……..And what? Of course you the mamish shreklich (OMG) story of how his own son Chom and grandson K’nan either castrated or raped him, or both. So says Rashi and of course he knew. Ober, we previously covered the uncovered saga of Noaich and his boys, if you chap, in years past and you are zicher urged to go here http://toirahruv.com/noiach-2013/to find the 2013 edition and here http://toirahruv.com/noiach-2012-everything-they-forgot-to-teach-you-in-yeshiva-2/ to find the 2012 edition.

Though the RBSO liked him and zicher that was more than enough, to get a free survive-the-flood-pass, it appears that the heylige Gemora and many others debated whether or not Noiach was really such a good guy. Why they argue with the very words of the heylige Toirah which tells us that Noiach was not just liked by the RBSO but was also indeed a Tzadik (righteous), ver veyst. If the RBSO liked him, that’s good enough for the Oisvorfer. How many others does the Toirah refer to by that appellation? Not many. Only Yoisef, because he somehow overcame the advances of Mrs. Potiphar, is also referred to as Yoisef Hatzadik. Not too shabby.

Moreover, there aren’t too many other examples where the Toirah tells us that a person found favor in the RBSO’s eyes and when we do, we know they are special. And for the shabbis tish, let’s recall that Moishe too was liked by the RBSO and taka says the heylige Toirah (Shemois 33:17)  “And the RBSO said to Moishe: ‘Even this thing that you have spoken, I will do, for you have found favor in My eyes, and I have known you by name.’” Our hero Noiach, who found favor in the RBSO’s eyes, can be compared to Yoisef about whom we read in the heylige Toirah (Bereishis 39:21) azoy: “The RBSO was with Yoisef, and He extended charisma to him, and He gave him favor in the eyes of the warden of the prison.”

And for extra desert, let’s also recall what our favorite Migila (Megillas Esther 2:15) says about her. “…….and Esther obtained grace in the eyes of all who beheld her.”

Veyter. As you all know, following man’s extinction in the flood and when the rain was over and some time passed by, the RBSO ordered Noaich and his family off the teyvo. Noiach and the others were instructed to repopulate the world. Exactly how Noiach was able to perform this mitzvah with damaged equipment, ver veyst. Then again, being celibate for 130 years, didn’t stop Odom from fathering all sorts of somethings, ver veyst.

Ober this week in the remaining space and time, let’s discus one more giant of a topic and a man by the name of Og. Who is Og? And before we discuss him, let’s learn how the heylige Toirah (Bireishis 7:23) described the mabul’s aftermath. “And He obliterated every being that was on the surface of the ground; from man to animals, to creeping creatures, and to the birds of the heaven, they were eradicated from the earth. Only Noiach and those with him in the Ark survived.” That’s poshit pshat (what the words say) ober did everyone agree? Seemingly not.

And zicher you recall learning that according to tradition as described in the heylige Gemora and elsewhere, and though the entire world, along with its inhabitants were mamish wiped out and though only Noaich, his eishes chayil, their sons and daughters in law inside the Teyvo were safe and sound, seemingly one man, the giant known as Og, was also somehow spared. (That was taka one long run-on sentence ober we had to make the point.) He survived the great flood.

He did? How was this possible more than a few ask? Moreover, his survival is contradicted mamish by the words of the heylige Toirah which we quoted just above. How then did he survive and if he did, taka why? Nu, as expected, there are a healthy number of answer. Let’s explore a few.

Says Rashi on the heylige Gemora (Niddah 61a) azoy: Og did survive the mabul. How? Did he outsmart the RBSO? Seemingly he fled to Israel. Why Israel? Seemingly, the mabul waters didn’t reach all the way to Israel. Of course, to accept this pshat, one will have to posit that a nais (miracle) from the RBSO, allowed for his survival.

Another Medrish (Pirkei d’Rebbe Eliezer 23) will tell us azoy: Not just did he survive but Og went on  to become Og  Melech Haboshon (Og, King of Boshon) and caused quite a stir for the Yiddin as they were traversing the Midbar waiting to get into the Promised land. In fact, we will learn that Og went to war with the Yiddin and that Moishe killed him. As an aside Moishe gave his land to the children of Yoisef. Is it at all possible that the same Og, that was around in the days of the mabul, was also still alive, well and a king so many years later? And is it possible that Og, the one man chosen (besides the Noiach’s) to survive, the turned on the Yiddin and waged war? Hey, it’s medrish: everything is possible.

And says the Daas Zekeinim, Baal HaTurim azoy: Og did survive. How does he know? By the use of Gematria magic. The very words of the heylige Toirah that tells us about Noiach’s survival are Ach Noiach [Only Noiach]. These two words (in Hebrew only of course), have a numerical equivalent of 79. And guess what? So does the word Og (again in Hebrew). Shoin, it’s a match. Both are 79 and therefore Og, like Noaich, survived the flood!

Ober said the Targum Yoinoson Ben Uzeiel (Bireishis 14:13), he the rabbi who promised that anyone that comes to visit and pray at his grave in Amuka, will get married, though he died single, azoy:  Og survived the flood by being on the roof of the Teyvo (Ark)  and being fed by Noiach. Ober says the heylige Gemora (Zevochim 113b) that Noaich was able to survive because he stood (recall that he was a giant) next to the teyvo (ark) where the waters were not boiling.

He stood where? And the water wasn’t boiling? Ober didn’t we learn that the water so hot, boiling mamish that it wiped away the foundations of the earth? Think molten lava and how then could Og stand in such hot water? Ober Raboyseyee, let’s not forget that we are dealing with the RBSO; zicher he can perform miracles and seemingly, according to this pshat, as related in the heylige Gemora (Zevachim 113b), Og got one. Says the Gemora, the water was cooled at the side of the ark, just where Og was standing. Gishmak!

Moreover, though some argue that Og’s height (he was a giant) saved him and he was able to stand above the water, the Gemora will tell us that height alone would not have saved him, because the waters of the flood were taka boiling hot. And why was it necessary for that water to be so bunting hot? Nu, the RBSO repays mida-kineged-mida (quid pro quo); seemingly, the burning hot water was payback for the  burning passions that Noiach’s generation succumbed to by chapping all over, from everyone, animals included. As an aside, we will learn that the RBSO allowed these parties to continue for at least 120 years before He had enough and brought the mabul.

And if Og, deserved to be saved through a miracle, we have to assume that he was (at the time) innocent of having participated in these wild parties. And maybe because he was the only other person , aside from the Noiach’s who was able to cool his emotions and desires, efsher through a cold shower, he deserved divine intervention which caused the water to be cooler near his feet, which allowed him to survive and live for nearly 1000 years. Ver veyst.

Another Gemora (Sanhedrin 108b)  will tell us that Noiach agreed to drill a hole on the side of the Teyvo which he used to feed Og because Og swore to be Noiach’s and  his descendants slave forever. Some say that Noiach left a plank outside the ark for him to sit and gave him food.  Og hung on for a long ride and survived. Remember, it’s medrish; anything goes.

Ober said the Maharal that it’s mamish illogical that Og survived the mabul and posits azoy: it’s taka emes that  Rashi (Bereishis, 14:13) cites the medrish which says that Og was a survivor of the mabul. How did Og survive? A different medrish will tell us that he held on to the Ark. If taken literally, this means that although the heylige Toirah is quite explicit regarding the entire world being destroyed except for the righteous Noiach and his family, somehow Og was a survivor as well. Ober we know that the Og found later in the heylige Toirah was not a good guy and why would the RBSO allow him to survive just to wage war on Moishe and the Yiddin. Why reward him with 1000 years of life?  Ober says the Maharal so gishmak azoy: it’s not the same Og! Fartig! Seemingly there were many Ogs, or at least several, and what we are discussing is the Og family. Shoin, now we met the Odom family, the Noiach’s and also the Og’s.  The first Og appears during the mabul. A second Og makes an appearance and is a good guy informing Avram that Loit his nephew was in trouble and we will meet yet another Og in the midbar, this one, the king and not a good one.

And before we go…………the heylige Gemora  (Nidda 61A) tells us that  Sichon (another King the Yiddin battled and killed in the midbar) was Og’s brother. He was? Was Sichon also a giant and was he saved during the mabul or was he born after? Ober says Rabbeinu B’Chaye (Seder Hadoiris) azoy:  “before entering the teyvo, Chom’s eishes chayil, Mrs. Chom, became pregnant with Sichon through a relationship with Schemchazel. Hey it was the dor hamabul (sexually unrepressed generation) and seemingly everything went. What to do? Cham brought her into the ark together with him, and there she gave birth to Sichon. Consequently, Sichon and Og were brothers from the same father.

Nu, was Og a good or bad guy? Was there one or more of him? Ver veyst. Some say he was good then turned bad. Some say he had eyes for Soro, Avrom’s wife…we’ll see in the next two weeks. Some say he deflowered Rivka; seemingly he was cleared of those charges. Of course if he was guilty of those crimes, and knowing all this in advance, why would the RBSO save him during the flood? Did  Og, originally good, go rouge? Was he feeling guilty about being the only survivor?  And if he was all good and deserved to be saved, why was he left to fend for his own life, standing nebech outside the teyvo? Why was he not invited inside? Efsher we can kler that he was just too damn tall; size is not always an advantage, if you chap.  Was Og as righteous as Noiach? Ver veyst?

A gittin choidesh and a gittin shabbis-

Yitz Grossman

The Oisvorfer Ruv

Print this Post

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.