Weekly Parsha Review Laced with Humor and Sarcasm from The Oisvorfer Ruv

Pesach 2013 – Supplement

fat-man-cartoonA gittin Moied: Time to buy airline stocks?

Shoin:  though we’re only six days into the program here in mostly sunny Ft Lauderdale and though we have another 7 full meals and countless trips to the tea room to go before we undo the Chometz sale and eat pizza that miraculously appears an hour or so after Pesach at the big Chometz party, the heylige Oisvorfer is done and ready to come home. Efsher you’re wondering why one would consider leaving a vacation in  mittin dirinin (in the middle of the program)? Is the food not to his liking? Are the hotel beds efsher not as comfortable as those his ancestors, whom he is remembering this entire Yom Tov, slept on while slaves in Mitzrayim? Efsher the tea room isn’t stacked with enough cookies, cakes and other chazerai, including smoothies, ice cream, sorbet and more? Nu, it’s none of those. The answer is poshit: the Oisvorfer is at maximum weight gain, having accomplished this feat ahead of schedule mamish. The  hoizen he brought along for the second days of this special Yom Tov where we lose control of all rational behavior and continue eating because -damn it- we paid for it and we’re going to get our money’s worth, are no longer comfortable. In fact, they’re tight. And by now, with seven days behind us, our mouths have become so accustomed to being open during the first few days, we are walking around in a confused state: we’re overstuffed like a good piece of kishka, yet looking for food every few minutes. Are we  gantzin mishuga? We are behamois (animals) mamish!The Oisvorfer is beginning to have images of having to purchase a second seat or fly cargo on the way home. And while the airlines are busy weighing our farkakte luggage to ensure that no bag is more than 50 pounds, lest they impose various fines, surcharges and penalties, seemingly they are leaving profits on the ground. Says the Oisvorfer:  additional profits from yet a new source is staring them in the face mamish, yet  they  remain oblivious to the potential and unprecedented spike in revenues and earnings they could reap were they to chap what the Yiddin stuffed into their bodies in an eight day period. Shoin, it’s taka a good thing that kimat every airline in the gantze velt is run by goyim.


Shoin, were the airlines run by the same Toirah entrepreneurs who figured out that remembering Yitzyias Mitzrayim means big business, zicher they would have revamped their pricing system and imposed new rules. This is how it might work:


1-    First bag checked in- no fee

2-    Second bag- no fee

3-    Third bag- also free

4-    Every other bag, also free

5-    Oversized black hat box: $200 (leave it home)

6-    First sheytel box: $100 (think straw hat or tichel)

7-    Second sheytel box: $550


Ober here’s the catch: each person, while going through security, would also be weighed. The outbound weight would become the baseline and recorded into the system, alongside your inbound reservation. Veyter. On the way home, again while going through security, the returning passenger is weighed. A surcharge of $50/ pound gained would automatically be added to the base fare, charged to one’s credit card and shoin, an explosion of revenues and profits.


Would this stop or even curtail the Yiddin from shoving pounds of red meat and obscene amounts of other unhealthy foods into their systems over Pesach, Succos or any other Yom Tov they feel compelled to celebrate at one of the myriad hotels that keep popping up each year? Mistama nisht!


Grada this idea of being weighed while checking in and out could  also be used by the caterers who  operate these programs and who, each year, look in amazement and try to chap how Yiddin who just consumed 4,000 calories during any given meal, can barely wait until the tea room re-opens so that the binging can continue. Is this what the RBSO had in mind when He ordered that we observe Pesach to remember how He redeemed us from slavery? Ver veyst?

See you at the gym!

The Oisvorfer Ruv

Yitz Grossman

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