Noiach 2024: The No Sex Cruise
by devadmin | October 31, 2024 8:49 pm
Raboyseyee and Ladies,
The heylige Ois and eishes chayil are over in Jerusalem Israel to join Sharon and Brian Duftler -family mamish and very close friends – at the wedding of their beautiful daughter, Rachel. We have known Rachel almost since birth and there aren’t enough adjectives to describe her beauty, inside and out. A big mazel tov to Rachel and Eytan -as you read this, the wedding is still ongoing- to Sharon & Brian, and to the entire to the extended Duftler family. A big mazel tov to Eytan’s parents, Haidi & Ron Biala and to their immediate and extended family. May Rachel and Eytan merit to enjoy the rest of their lives in blissful marriage.
The No Sex Cruise
Mister Ed was an American television sitcom produced that aired from 1961, to February 6, 1966. The show’s title character was a talking horse. Do or did horses ever talk? Nu, just last week -parshas Bereishis- the snake seemingly had at least one conversation with Chava and was eventually able to seduce her into eating forbidden fruit. According to the medrish, he also veyter seduced her into sharing her fruits, if you chap, with him, ober let’s move on to this week’s parsha. More on the talking horse below and let us start here.
Did Noiach and his wife (Mrs. Noiach) get to enjoy marital relations while on the ark for a full year? Or, were they at sea without semen? Did they? Or, were they separated? What about Noiach’s three sons, each of whom was married and each boarded the year-long cruise accompanied by his respective wife? Did each couple get to enjoy a private cabin? Who wants to know this information and why? Grada this question is, in some form, asked by no lesser a Toirah giant than the Kli Yokor -whomever he was. And he asks it why? For two reasons. Ershtens (firstly), he looked at the Rashi -who else- who tells us azoy: Noiach and his boys were barred from sexual activity while on the boat. A year without, Fartig and case closed! Shoin. Normally a full year without, might be considered cruel and unusual punishment for a married man, ober, after reading just last week that Odom (Adam), following the death of his son Hevel, abstained for 130 years, one year must have seemed like the blink of an eye. We will also learn that the ban on sexual relations while on board, was extended to include all the animals on the voyage. Nebech. How such information was conveyed to the animals back then, ver veyst? Might we kler that these animals, especially the horses, were the forerunners of the talking horse portrayed on TV in the 1960’s. Why the RBSO forbade sexual relations on the boat, ver veyst? Would too much rocking have caused the ark to tip over? A few do proffer ideas and space permitting, we shall address them shortly. Ober, isn’t that -onboard activities, if you chap, the main or one of the main reasons so many go cruising? One thing is zicher: Bazman hazeh (in our times), there’s absolutely no reason to spend money on a cruise if such activities are not on the menu. Cruises should be alluring and mood enhancers, if you chap. What good is the enhancement without the ability to close the deal? In any event, says Rashi (6:18) that marital relations were strictly forbidden. And Rashi knew this how? From the words of the heylige Toirah?
Perhaps. He took note of the very specific instructions the RBSO gave Noiach to enter the Teyvo. Says the heylige Toirah (Bereishis 6:18) azoy: “…..and you shall enter the Ark, you, your sons, your wife, and your sons’ wives with you.” Given that they were each specifically and separately delineated, Rashi concluded that so they were to remain while on board; sex was forbidden. Shoin, let’s get back to the Kli Yokor and his thoughts on separation.
In the following Perek (Bereishis 7:7) which is itself separated from the RBSO’s initial instructions by exactly 11 pisukim (verses) but are given 120 years later, the RBSO will instruct Noiach azoy: “Noiach with his boys, his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, went into the Teyvo. Noiach seemingly recalled the initial instructions and executed as directed. Also of note is that there was no other recorded communication between Noiach and the RBSO during the ensuing 120 years. Noiach and his boys boarded followed by his wife and daughters-in-law. Let’s go veyter. It’s a full year later (so says the medrish.) The Mabul (flood) has destroyed humanity, vegetation and all else. After a year at sea, the RBSO tells Noiach it’s time to exit the ark. Let’s look at the very specific wording. Says the heylige Toirah (Bereishis 8:16), azoy: “go forth from the ark: you, your wife, your sons, and your sons’ wives with you.”
Noiach is to exit accompanied by his eishes chayil, and the boys may escort their wives off the ark. They can leave as couples. Efsher from the disparity in syntax, Rashi had deduced that sex was forbidden while at sea. And from these same words, observed the Kli Yokor azoy: of course, we all chap and agree that sexual relations were verboten on the Teyvo. Ober, were they able to share sleeping accommodations? Could they be seen walking around as couples? Could they spend time together as husband and wife? Was Noiach allowed to share a cabin with his lovely wife without engaging? And the boys? Could they share a room with their respective wives? After all, don’t each of you have at least one friend who shares a bedroom with a wife where there is absolutely no follow up? Shoin, that topic for another day. Of course, you know such friends; mistama more than one, nebech. Nu, on the one hand, you might think of course they shared a cabin; how stupid to think otherwise! The men, all four of them, were legally married to their respective wives. Ober says the Kli Yokor: hold on; it’s not so poshit. It appears to him from the original instructions (7:7) that not only was sex forbidden, but males need to be totally separated from the females. They could not share cabins lest such proximity might lead them to mixed drinking, dancing, and then followed by forbidden relations. Perhaps we can kler azoy: given that the animals too were included in the sex ban, and given the close proximity of Noiach and his boys to the myriad animals (which came 2×2 and some in groups of 7), not just was sex forbidden for all guests, but to ensure proper compliance, the humans needed to be segregated. How would the animals feel were they to see, hear, or find out that while they were forbidden from mating, that Noiach and his boys were having a grand old time, if you chap.
Shoin, let’s tie this all up as only the heylige Ois can and has the temerity to do, azoy.
Back to Noiach….did he listen to the RBSO’s specific disembarking instructions? Did he exit as instructed? Did Noiach disembark along with his eishes chayil (wife), followed by the boys and their wives? Seemingly not. Two pisukim later (Bereishis 8:18) we learn azoy: “So Noiach went forth, and his sons, his wife and his sons’ wives with him.” They left as they came. The men left first, followed by the women. Why, ver veyst? We can kler that Noiach was -as expected- shell shocked from the devastation, and mistama also somewhat or very nauseous from the voyage, ver veyst. Efsher he just got used to being without her, and leaving the Teyvo alone had just become his routine. Let’s get real: a year without does epes diminish the appetite a bit. Many can relate to this routine of being without.
What happened next? Once the world was totally destroyed, it was to be their (the Noiach family’s) mission to begin anew. The RBSO let them know that it was ok to resume normal, or begin a new normal. Seeing that Noiach and the boys were still separated and not yet engaging with their spouses sexually, He gave them new instructions: Says the heylige Toirah (Bereishis 9:1), azoy. “The RBSO blessed Noiach and his sons and said to them “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the land.”” In other words: Noiach and his boys were now given permission and specific instructions in the form of a mitzvah (positive commandment) to resume marital relations with their respective wives. And based on these last instructions, says the Kli Yokor azoy: indeed, Noiach and the boys did not share cabins or much else while on board. Moreover, Noiach did not listen, or worse, rejected the RBSO’s initial disembarking instructions: He maintained full separation. He and the boys only resumed normal following the RBSO’s last explicit instructions.
Shoin, based on this pshat, there was mamish no sexual or other contact on the Ark. Ober do all agree? Not! In previous postings on this parsha, which you can find over at www.oisvorfer.com, you will find that we covered the seemingly uncovered Noiach and told you that it appears from the text -so says Rashi and many others- that while the sexes were seemingly separated and there was no male/female touching or even sleeping together, there may have been some male on male contact, if you chap, chas v’sholom, say it’s not so please, and more. We discussed the ugly myseh of how Chom (Ham) happened upon his father Noiach while in a state of drunkenness and had his way with him, say it’s not so. Chom did what and with whom? Was a year without too much for Chom? Was too much male-on-male interaction possibly partially to blame for Chom’s despicable behavior? Was he in training to become a camp counselor? Was separation of the sexes efsher partially to blame for the Noiach/Chom debacle? And what taka went down? Nu, lommer lernin (let’s learn).
The emes is azoy: The heylige Ois is a shtikel reluctant (not really) to discuss the entire shocking Noiach/Chom incident, ober, for educational purposes, and much like the heylige Gemora which at times discusses -in graphic detail- the most outlandish of topics, he will make an exception. Let’s begin with a short summary of the events leading to the event.
Noiach is amazed by his good fortune. A shtikel nauseous from the ride, and for sure from the stench the animals made during the long year; he’s otherwise ok. His spirits are uplifted, but he recognizes that the world as he knew it was over. What to do? He becomes a gardener, plants a vineyard, drinks from its produce, and becomes inebriated. In his intoxicated state, he shamefully uncovers himself in his tent. Exactly what that means is avada (certainly) the subject of much debate. Some say that while naked, Noiach’s son, Chom (Ham by the goyim), over 100 years old at this time, saw his father naked, assaulted him, and informed his two brothers of their father’s state. Rachmono litzlon (heaven forbid) and what could be worse? The brothers, Shaim and Yophes, modestly approached their father and covered him. When Noiach awakened, he cursed Chom’s son, K’nan, and blessed Sheim and Yophes. Is that all that happened? One would hope so, and so says the heylige Toirah, ober that didn’t avada stop many from positing some other ideas, many on the wild side. In fact, had you suggested any of these possibilities without having the heylige Gemora or Medrish to back you up, you’d be in serious danger of being placed into permanent cheyrim (excommunication,) or worse. Nu, thankfully the masters who reduced the heylige Gemora to writing, and others who wrote medroshim that are today very popular and still acceptable, though one has to question for how long, had vivid imaginations, and here’s some of what they had to say, shreklich (frightening) as it sounds and is.
Noiach planted a vineyard, drank the wine it produced, and became shikker? When did all this happen? Lommer lernin veyter please, and halt kup (pay attention). Avada after you get done with this week’s Toirah, you’ll mistama run out and buy yourselves a set of Mikrois Gedoilois which has even more information. Nu, mitoich sheh loi lishmo, bo lishmo (the inadvertent knowledge gained may stimulate you to gain more by further study), if you chap.
Says the Medrish (Tanchuma): And Noiach began to be a man of the earth, and he planted a vineyard (9:20). When Noiach took to planting, Satan came and stood before him and said to him: “What are you planting?” Said he: “A vineyard.” Said Satan to him: “What is its nature?” Said he: “Its fruits are sweet, whether moist or dry, and one makes from them wine which brings joy to the heart.” Said Satan to Noiach “Do you desire that we should plant it together, you and I?” Said Noiach: “Yes.” Shoin, Noiach had a partner in the wine gisheft, and so gishikt (proficient) was this new dynamic duo, that on the very day Noiach and his shutiff (partner) planted his vineyard, it bore fruit which he put into the wine-press, drew off the juice, drank it, became drunken, and was dishonored—all on one day. What happened next? What did the Satan do? He brought a lamb and slaughtered it over the vine; then he brought a lion, and slaughtered it over it; then he brought a monkey, and slaughtered it over it; then he brought a swine, and slaughtered it over it; and he watered the vine with their blood. Thus he alluded to Noiach -when a person drinks one cup, he is like a lamb, modest and meek. When he drinks two cups, he becomes mighty as a lion and begins to speak with pride, saying: Who compares with me! As soon as he drinks three or four cups he becomes a monkey, dancing and frolicking and profaning his mouth, and knowing not what he does. When he becomes drunk, he becomes a pig, dirtied by mud and wallowing in filth.
Efsher you’re wondering when and where Noiach learned how to make wine? Did he sneak some grape seeds into the Tayvo? Nu, at 600 years of age, one has to assume that Noiach knew quite a bit, including farming, and says the Medrish (Bereishis Rabba 36:4 Midrash Aggada 9:2) : Noiach did indeed sneak a few vine branches into the Tayvo with him. He decided to begin the process of rebuilding the world by planting them. This was his first mistake, for he should have begun planting something more vital for mankind’s existence – wheat, for example. One mistake lead to another: He made wine, had a drink, then another and another. Once drunk, he lost his dignity. The message is that the pleasures of the world are available for us, but we must exercise restraint, and never lose sight of our role as a holy people.
Efsher you’re wondering how many years it took Noiach from planting to harvest to getting drunk, are you? Ober a quick read of these pisukim (verses) gives us a sense of immediacy. It appears that Noiach planted his vineyard, and shortly afterwards was already shikker – omitting the interim years that it takes to develop the vineyard to yield the wine. Is that what happened? Ver veyst, ober says the Medrish (Bereishis Rabah 36azoy): Reb. Chiya Bar Aba said. On the very same day he planted, on that day he drunk and on that day he was disgraced. Now, that’s real productivity!
Avada this isn’t the last time wine will be used before some vilde (wild off the charts) sex act, and zicher you’ll be glued to your chumish next week when we learn that Loit’s techter (daughters) also used wine to repeatedly seduce their aged father, and for those who want more, pick up the heylige Gemora and learn how Dovid Hamelech (king David), used wine to get Uriah drunk in a vain attempt to induce Uriah to have intercourse with his wife Batsheva, so that Dovid’s adultery and her pregnancy could be concealed. Is it good to be the king or what? Oy vey!!!
Next: Noiach was naked; he was assaulted by a 100-year-old son or grandson. What’s pshat? What the hec went down here, and is this why the RBSO chose to save Noiach and his mishpocho? Was this the same Noiach, the very person the RBSO referred to as a tzadik, an appellation reserved for a very select few? What’s taka pshat here? Or don’t you at all care, and only want more color on the schmutz described above, chazerim that you are. Nu, the heylige Ois will do his best to further illuminate with teachings of the heylige Gemora, the Medrish and Chazal (our wise ones.) Seemingly, they either chapped better or after imbibing some extra kiddush over Simchas Toirah, had more vivid imaginations, efsher both.
Nu, before we learned that Noiach son’s saw him naked, and what’s taka wrong with walking around the house naked? Were the neighbors going to see him? Weren’t they all dead? Ver veyst? Don’t men innocently see each other naked in the mikveh on a regular basis, and nothing nefarious takes place? Don’t answer that! Some say that while in this state, his grandson, K’nan the minuvil, had a sexual encounter with his grandfather. Others say it was Noiach’s 3rd grade Rebbe. Yet others say, it was his NCSY leader, ver veyst? Whatever, Noiach was bummed out, if you chap, and not a happy camper. When Noiach recovered and pieced together what took place behind his back, if you chap, he bentched (blesses) Shaim and Yophes, and cursed Chom, his other son, and his grandson K’nan. No surprises here. Say it’s not so, please, ober seemingly it is. Can you just imagine the scene as Noiach woke up with epes some unusual soreness and realized what happened? Oy myne tieereer kinderlach, let’s have a family meeting. Oh Chom, come here sheyfile (term of endearment). What were you doing behind your father’s back while he was shluffing? Was this the conversation? Ver veyst.
Exactly what happened to Noiach, and who did what, is zicher a mystery, anyone’s guess based only on the writer’s vilde imagination. In other words, it’s all efsher not emes, and Noiach, mistama shluffing in the buff with but a schemata for a cover, had become uncovered when he rolled over in his sleep. The precise nature of what Chom the minuvil did while in the tent remains obscure. And taka says the Radak: his offense was solely to see his father uncovered (and his willingness to share that information with his brothers). Ober our sages of the heylige Gemora went much further than what is explicit in the text. They suggested that in fact either Chom castrated Noiach, or he engaged in homosexual relations with Noiach (an alternative form of “uncreation”), and then castrated him. None sound very pleasant; kiddush anyone? B’kitzur (in short), one said that Chom castrated Noiach, and the other that he only sodomized him. Mamish a tzadik; can you imagine a better son and grandson? Such yiddishe nachas! The Gemora says that both Rav and Shmuel were inebriated when they argued p’shat here, and states empathically that both happened. Chom the minuvil mamish sodomized and castrated his father. Nice! And the next time your dad gives you some lip, remind him what a good son you are compared to Chom and his son K’nan.
The failure to interpret Chom’s offense as simple voyeurism (itself but efsher a misdemeanor), and the interpretation that something more drastic occurred, is supported by the verse “And Noiach awoke from his wine, and knew what his youngest son had done unto him.” Clearly, something beyond simple peeking had to have occurred.
And says another source: Chom in fact committed an incestuous act with Noach’s wife (his mother). Come again? The rationales for this interpretation are several. First, the wording of “uncover nakedness” is only used in Sefer Vayikra (Leviticus) to describe heterosexual incest, not the homosexual act. And more specifically, Vayikra 18:8 equates “the nakedness of your mother” with the “nakedness of your father.” As well, if Chom engaged in incestuous sex with his mother, the text’s emphasis on his son K’nan becomes clear. K’nan is the product of this incestuous union, as Moiov and Ammon are the product of Loit and his daughters. That is why the text consistently identifies Chom as the “father of K’nan,” and why Noiach chooses to curse K’nan upon awakening. Are you chapping all this? Is this what you think happened to our hero Noiach, nebech?
The Toirah also alludes to the possibility that this occurred in Chom’s mother’s tent, chutzpah mamish. Chom’s act of sleeping mit di mama (with his mother) would therefore be seen as an act of rebellion against Noiach’s authority, you think?
What happened here? The world was destroyed; even the foundations were gone after hot lava wiped all away, and Noiach made wine? Wasn’t he in the mood for sushi? Isn’t everyone? The RBSO just told him he could have chicken and even steak, and he wanted wine? What gives here, what’s pshat? By the way, it’s taka emes that following the Mabul, Noiach was given permission to enjoy meat.
Another medrish relates that Chom and his wife were the only couple, human or animal, to cohabit while on the Tayva. Mistama she liked seamen, if you chap. All the other “survivors” remained celibate until emerging from the Tayva one year from the start of the Mabul. Furthermore, K’nan was conceived during that year while on the Tayva, talk about rocking the boat. Another heylige Gemora in Sanhedrin (108b) states that the previous medrish is not the entire story, let’s read it: Three copulated in the Tayva and all were punished. Taka who? The dog, the raven, and Chom the minuvil. How the heylige Gemora knew that the dog and the raven had relations in the Tayva, nu, this I don’t know; was the raven ‘singing like a bird’?
Chazal in the medrish (Bereishis Rabba) state that Chom’s descendants were the original tinkele (colored people), ver veyst? The miforshim add that Chom’s punishment was a darkening of the skin. Can you imagine such a gifeliche (terrible) punishment? How many hours have many of you -including the heylige Ois himself- sat in the sun schmearing lotions all over yourselves trying to darken your skin? This was the punishment for having sex in the Tayva? Oif mir gizugt. Nu, if only tanning was so easy.
And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, and perhaps safe to go back into the water, in the very next aliya we read the story of the Tower of Babel. Noiach’s descendants gathered in the Babylonian valley and started building a tower in an attempt to reach the heavens, and battle the RBSO. What were they thinking? The RBSO wasn’t at all happy with their behavior and again meted out swift punishment. He confused their language so that “one does not comprehend the tongue of the other,” causing them to abandon their project and disperse across the face of the earth, splitting into seventy nations.
Alas all is not lost. As Parshas Noiach concludes, Avram (later Abraham), is introduced, and the tide begins to turn for the better.
We close with an excellent vort the Ois heard some years back but can’t recall the source. Rashi, in discussing whether or not Noiach was a truly righteous person states azoy: Yesh Meraboysaynu (a number of Rabbis) state that he was really a good guy- V’yesh shedorshin Oisi lignay (others say he wasn’t all that good.) Notice the words: when it mentions that he was good, the words used are Yesh Meraboysaynu- a number of our Rabbis. The word Raboysaynu is missing when it mentions that ‘others’ say that Noiach wasn’t all that good. Said my chaver: those speaking loshoin horo about Noiach are not called Rabbis! If only that were emes…
A gitten Shabbis-
The Heylige Oisvorfer Ruv
Yitz Grossman
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